Since he won the first American gold medal of the 2012 Games, America has moved from the courtship phase into the full-on dating phase with Ryan Lochte. We were with Michael Phelps for a while, and we don’t wish him ill will or anything, because 2008 was one of the best years of our lives, but we’ve definitely outgrown each other. And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that he didn’t even medal in his first competition, so don’t even ask, okay? Gawd, you’re so insensitive — America is maturing as a person and we don’t want to get stuck in the past!
So anyway, with our new relationship with Ryan, it’s time for us to do all those new-couple-y things, like meet his parents, and drive around the neighborhood where he grew up…and look at his baby pictures. I can’t help you out with his parents or his neighborhood, but we do have access to some pretty prime baby pictures that he posted to his website. And don’t worry, I’ve pre-screened them. Because I think we all know there’s nothing worse than starting to like a guy, getting to know him, and then finding out he was an ugly baby. Literally, there is nothing worse than that. It makes you feel like a bad person when you break up with him, but I really can’t reconcile myself to having ugly babies, future Olympic swimmers or not. And I think America is the same way, so you’ll be glad to know that Ryan was an adorable little baby with an adorable little nose and adorable little flippers. I mean feet. We would all definitely still love him if he weren’t an Olympic athlete with a powerfully-proportioned body, so stop thinking what you’re thinking and look at some goddamn baby pictures, goddamnit.