I know you don’t come wandering over to Crushable to do math, but I’ve always loved a good word problem, so here goes:
If the Olympic committee provides 150,000 condoms to the athletes in Olympic village, and they are all used at a constant rate over the 14 day period, how many times will Olympians be getting it on today?
Don’t worry, I did it for you. The answer is 10,715. 10,715 condoms, 10,715 times an Olympian will be screwing someone in London today.
I know you’re thinking Oh Kelsey, don’t be ridiculous, you know these organizations go overboard with everything, did you see the damn Opening Ceremony? They wouldn’t actually use that many condoms.
Au contraire. I only learned recently that the Olympic games, the one time in every four years these people get to display what they’ve spent their entire lives working on, are basically one giant orgy. In Sydney in 2000, Olympic Village was provided with 90,000 condoms, which worked out to about nine per person. They ran out. Yes, nine condoms per person, basically 18 sexual encounters per person, over a period of two weeks, wasn’t enough for these horny athletes.
I mean, I get it, they’re the most fit human beings on the planet, and maybe they don’t have a chance to clean out their pipes during training so when their event is over they all just go nuts, but 18 times per person wasn’t enough?! And if you exclude the eight-year-old Chinese gymnasts and the married people (hopefully, but who really knows), that’s more times for everyone that is actually having sex.
You want more evidence? Just ask the athletes. U.S. women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo told ESPN The Magazine, “There’s a lot of sex going on at the Olympics. I’ve seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings. I may have snuck a celebrity into my Beijing room without anybody knowing and snuck him back out. But that’s my Olympic secret.”
Here we are, innocent viewers, feeling all national pride-y and thinking ‘Wow, these are just the greatest role models in the world,’ when meanwhile they’re treating this like a sex romp! Okay, I’m completely kidding. They deserve it, I’m sure they need to let off some steam, and Lord knows sex between two Olympians would be just about the hottest sex that has ever occurred.
So in any case, the Olympic committee bumped it up to 100,000 right off the bat in Beijing, and this year, we’ve reached record-setting condom-distributing levels: 150,000 rubbers – 15 per person. Is that enough for you animals??
Naturally, this bombshell discovery sent my little brain reeling in about 84 directions at once: Who would make the hottest babies? Are there orgies by team? Do athletes go into the games with a hit list? For God’s sake who do the ping pong players hook up with?
But when the dust settled, the most important question I was left pondering was: Which Olympians will get the most action? So…I did a little bit of investigation, and a lot of speculation.