In news today that’s sure to make mini American flags unfurl from ladies vaginas across our great nation, swimmer Ryan Lochte won the gold medal in the 400-meter individual medley. Not only does winning our country’s first gold medal for the 2012 Olympics prove that he’s an amazing athlete, but also that men can get laid by wearing speedos around shamelessly.
Yep, that right. As you read this blog about Ryan Lochte, people are likely having sex with Ryan Lochte.
Or at least to his performance.
That’s how spectacular it was and that’s how fabulous he looked and that’s how excited Americans got about the win. The last time I saw America this excited and unified over someone was when Channing Tatum showed both ass cheeks in Magic Mike. Yep. I said it. Ryan Lotche is currently on the level of Channing Tatum’s ass cheeks.
Welcome to the world of American infatuation Lochte. Prepare to be giffed and tumbled and tweeted and objectified. And then, just when you feel like you couldn’t be any more adored. Prepare for someone to leak a Ryan Lochte sex tape from your non-famous years. Then after that, you’re living on easy street. Reality shows, marriages to C-list celebrities and a hosting position on a primetime network show that sets up recently paroled athletes with recently rehabbed child stars.
Although Michael Phelps dominated the Bejing Olympics in medals and “but is he hot?” conversations in 2008, people have been saying that Ryan Lochte is the one to watch during the London games. And it looks like these people were right because our boy Phelps didn’t even get a medal.
He got fourth place. In Toddlers & Tiaras world, that’s enough to make a mother cry — and then threaten to snap another four-year-old’s tiara while she rips a weave out of her toddler’s head. Yes, it’s that bad.
So forget you ever even know the name Michael Phelps, because Ryan Lochte is the guy you’re going to want to be sending your dirty tweets to this year.