While I was sitting in traffic this week thinking about celebrities I’d like to make out with in my car, my friend called to tell me some shocking news. “Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with her Snow White and The Huntsman director Rupert Sanders.”
When I heard this news, I sat there quietly, slapped a vague expression on my face, and delivered this next line like a horrible actress, say someone like, I don’t know, Kristen Stewart. “Well, that seems ridiculous,” I said.
As the voice of women everywhere, I’ll say exactly what you’re thinking about this whole scandal, “Yo, Kristen Stewart, you frowny-faced idiot, you cheated on the man with hair I’d give three of my mother’s toes to smell for ten seconds with a guy who looks like he was a cocktail serving extra on one episode of Mad Men? You’ve got to be kidding. If you didn’t want him, you should have said something to me because I would have been happy to take him off your hands”
I can only imagine that when girls are hooking up with unattractive men, they’re thinking of better looking men. So, does that mean while Kristen Stewart was cheating on Robert Pattinson, she may have been simultaneously fantasizing about Robert Pattinson? “What if this guy was someone sexy,” she might have been thinking, “someone almost unattainable? Someone like, the guy in those terrible vampire movies. The terrible vampire movies I’m in. Oh, what’s his name? Robert. Robert Pattinson. Oh, shit. I’m dating him aren’t I? Oh, I should get out of this car before someone takes pictures of me making out with this guy. Too late? Well, at least he isn’t married with three kids. Two kids? Well, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.”
This is exactly how guys feel when really hot actresses get cheated on. I remember when Halle Berry’s first husband, Eric Benet, cheated on her and then checked into a sex addiction clinic. Every guy yelled in unison, “Sex addiction? Yeah, of course. You’re married to Halle Berry. Wait? Sex addiction with other people? You have to be kidding me. That’s like being addicted to steak while owning a Ruth’s Chris Steak House, but you go down to Denny’s to get your fix. You idiot.”
We shouldn’t really pretend like this is a remarkable celebrity story though. It’s not. Kristen Stewart is not the first Hollywood actress to have an affair with her director. It’s a Hollywood story as old as Hollywood itself. Only this version’s way less interesting because they weren’t also caught doing cocaine.
If Kristen Stewart was going to cheat on Robert Pattinson she should have shot higher. Could you criticize her for cheating on her boyfriend with a married man? Yes. Could you criticize him for cheating on his wife? Yes, and you should. But that’s not my job.
My job is to say that when you cheat on someone, it has to be with a person at least 17 percent hotter than the person you’re cheating on. There are many benefits to this method of cheating. For example, the public will respect you for your ambition. I believe that hook up with someone hotter than the last person you hooked up with is part of the American Dream. Plus, the person you cheated on will be more understanding.
If Robert Pattinson could go to bed tonight saying, “Well, I can’t keep up with that guy,” I think we’d all be more willing to forgive Kristen Stewart. Unfortunately, that’s not the case, and she should be ashamed.