While I was sitting in traffic this week thinking about celebrities Iâ€™d like to make out with in my car, my friend called to tell me some shocking news.Â â€śKristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with her Snow White and The Huntsman director Rupert Sanders.â€ť
When I heard this news, I sat there quietly, slapped a vague expression on my face, and delivered this next line like a horrible actress, say someone like, I donâ€™t know, Kristen Stewart.Â â€śWell, that seems ridiculous,â€ť I said.
As the voice of women everywhere, Iâ€™ll say exactly what youâ€™re thinking about this whole scandal, â€śYo, Kristen Stewart, you frowny-faced idiot, you cheated on the man with hair Iâ€™d give three of my motherâ€™s toes to smell for ten seconds with a guy who looks like he was a cocktail serving extra on one episode of Mad Men?Â Youâ€™ve got to be kidding.Â If you didnâ€™t want him, you should have said something to me because I would have been happy to take him off your handsâ€ť
I can only imagine that when girls are hooking up with unattractive men, theyâ€™re thinking of better looking men.Â So, does that mean while Kristen Stewart was cheating on Robert Pattinson, she may have been simultaneously fantasizing about Robert Pattinson?Â â€śWhat if this guy was someone sexy,â€ť she might have been thinking, â€śsomeone almost unattainable?Â Someone like, the guy in those terrible vampire movies.Â The terrible vampire movies Iâ€™m in.Â Oh, whatâ€™s his name?Â Robert.Â Robert Pattinson.Â Oh, shit.Â Iâ€™m dating him arenâ€™t I?Â Oh, I should get out of this car before someone takes pictures of me making out with this guy.Â Too late?Â Well, at least he isnâ€™t married with three kids.Â Two kids?Â Well, it wasnâ€™t as bad as I thought.â€ť
This is exactly how guys feel when really hot actresses get cheated on.Â I remember when Halle Berryâ€™s first husband, Eric Benet, cheated on her and then checked into a sex addiction clinic.Â Every guy yelled in unison, â€śSex addiction?Â Yeah, of course.Â Youâ€™re married to Halle Berry.Â Wait?Â Sex addiction with other people?Â You have to be kidding me.Â Thatâ€™s like being addicted to steak while owning a Ruthâ€™s Chris Steak House, but you go down to Dennyâ€™s to get your fix.Â You idiot.â€ť
We shouldnâ€™t really pretend like this is a remarkable celebrity story though.Â Itâ€™s not.Â Kristen Stewart is not the first Hollywood actress to have an affair with her director.Â Itâ€™s a Hollywood story as old as Hollywood itself.Â Only this versionâ€™s way less interesting because they werenâ€™t also caught doing cocaine.
If Kristen Stewart was going to cheat on Robert Pattinson she should have shot higher.Â Could you criticize her for cheating on her boyfriend with a married man?Â Yes.Â Could you criticize him for cheating on his wife?Â Yes, and you should.Â But thatâ€™s not my job.
My job is to say that when you cheat on someone, it has to be with a person at least 17 percent hotter than the person youâ€™re cheating on.Â There are many benefits to this method of cheating.Â For example, the public will respect you for your ambition.Â I believe that hook up with someone hotter than the last person you hooked up with is part of the American Dream.Â Plus, the person you cheated on will be more understanding.
If Robert Pattinson could go to bed tonight saying, â€śWell, I canâ€™t keep up with that guy,â€ť I think weâ€™d all be more willing to forgive Kristen Stewart.Â Unfortunately, thatâ€™s not the case, and she should be ashamed.