Hi Suri Cruise (Holmes? I don’t know what your legal last name is now.Maybe it’s not either. Â Maybe it’s something exciting like Jackson. Just kidding, no matter how much you hate your parents, do not marry a Jackson. Their family makes yours look like the Waltons. The satisfaction you’ll get from revenge marriage will only last so long.)
If you’ve found this letter, then you already know. You’re a famous celebrity child who emerged from a scientology marriage built on questionable stories, urban legends and Maury-Povich-levels of paternity allegations.
In promising news, this means you’re going to have a really easy time getting into college. I can think of 67Â differentÂ essay topics about overcoming obstacles off the top of my head. So that’s super great for you because I just know you’re going to love NYU! Don’t want to go to NYU? Sorry kiddo, celebrity kids are required by law to attend for at least a semester so they can get photographed looking “normal” and “collegiate-like.”
In not so great news, your father, Tom Cruise, is what some people call “unbalanced.” And your mom, Katie Holmes, isÂ the tragic victim (and hopefully, by now, aÂ survivor!)Â of brainwashing from Kristie Alley and a D-list actor who goes by the stage name Xenu. (Also, the victim of the script for First Daughter. But we won’t discuss her early career choices now.)Â So you’re probably going to want some therapy. By some, I mean, maybe you should consider a live-in therapist. You have a lot to deal with when it comes to parenting issues.
Also parents in general.
For awhile, everyone thought your dad wasn’t your biological dad. Mostly because people love rumors. Also, you looked a lot like your mother’s ex-fiance Chris Klein. But mostlyÂ becauseÂ people love rumors. On behalf of all people, I apologize. They’re the reason you’ve spent most of your life dodging cameras. Which I’m sure was hard on your feet. Especially since you started wearing high heels minute after birth. As well as lipstick. Boy, you sure knew how to start a controversy! I hope you still have that fire inside of you. That ability to piss off 90% of mommy bloggers with just oneÂ outfit.
Don’t get me wrong, you always looked great. But people worried about you. A lot. I would go as far as to say that people worried about everything you did. Like if you wore a coat in the winter or if you picked up penis candy in a store or if you stayed up past your bedtime. It’s hard to say who worried about you the most, but it’s realistic to say that PeopleÂ and Us WeeklyÂ worried about you so much that they probably could have filed for joint custody of you. If joint custody had anything to do with magazine sales.
But people also admired you a lot. In fact many called you the most fashionable celebrity child in the world.Â ConsideringÂ that there are many celebrity children in the world with access to incredible wardrobes, this is a huge compliment. A compliment with a double-edged sword. Becaue you lived such a fabulous life, people hated you.
Yes, even though you were just a small child, people hated you with a passion. It’s scary, but it’s true. They hid their hate with “concern”, but they didn’t fool anyone. They were jealous of baby and then a toddler and then a 6-year-old. All because you had a fabulous wardrobe, unlimited money and helicopter access.
Don’t let that get you down though. You’re still Suri Cruise. You’re still considered one of the world’s foremost cupcake connoisseurs. And you’re still set to inherit all the money that your father doesn’t blow on facelifts/shoe lifts.
So good luck in the world. And stop googling yourself. That’s something your publicist should be doing for you. You still have a publicist right?
Praying for you,
P.S – Still eagerly awaiting your memoirs! Do send me a note when they’re ready.
(Photo:Â Michael Wright/WENN.com)