Nickelback gets a lot of shit for their cheesy music and cockroach-like ability to stay alive long past one-hit-wonder status. When I found a Reddit thread from a guy who got himself plastered at a recent concert, I wasn’t surprised one bit: Of course this is the kind of event that you have to be absolutely out of your mind to attend. It’s not even guilty-pleasure status; it’s several steps below, where you’re so embarrassed that you’ll see someone you don’t know that you’d rather make it so that you can’t remember the night at all.
But Redditor theshinepolicy is lucky enough to have a record of his night, since he decided to set up an AMA (Ask Me Anything) thread advertising his drunken Nickelback adventures. True to the subreddit’s requirements, he answered other posters’ questions about the quality of the music and the other attendees, plus threw in some amazing non sequiturs that only a potent blend of alcohol can bring about. It’s kind of perfect: In contrast to the carefully-planned celebrity AMAs, you have a spontaneous, uninhibited Q&A. It was difficult, but I narrowed down theshinepolicy’s comments to my ten favorite answers.
1) Are “Nickelbackers” the juggalos of the rock world?
No. Juggalos ate a family. Nickleback fans are like inbred cousins at a family reunion. But they still can party.
2) Chad Kroeger apparently likes attention:
He still loves to say things like “who wants to see me take a shot?” he’s like ahigh school senior
3) Regarding the 14-year-old girls who trash-talked him:
Kinda. Later my gf chest bumped one and she goes “what a bitch! ” And we were laughing. But they walk in this weird line it’s like you gottafucking dive out if the way I mean come on ladies share the road
4) To answer the question “Is Nickelback less terrible when you’re drunk in the same way ugly girls are less ugly when you’re drunk?”:
Dear god. You’ve figured it out. You are exactly correct sir. If someone showed me a video of me dancing tonight I would be so ashamed. If I woke up and was wearing a shirt I bought at the merch table, I’d get myself checked.
5) And then later, answering basically the same question:
Of course you dum little biscuit all music is better after a little piña corona and their drum guy was a good dare I say great drum guy good show but Kruger is a 14 year old and it was weird I hate this comment.
6) He fucking pwns Larry King:
Old bitch needs to step up his game. “who was your favorite blah blah”, “oh I don’t know I used to sell newspapers for a penny”- shut your trap old man and give me the dirt. Someone should have asked him what it was like living on Pangea.
7) The movie business comes up:
No but once I was an extra in a abc family movie starring Clarissa. She gave me some gum. Some gum. some gum….
8) He gets kinda poetic when addressing the hardhitting issue of what the hell was on Joey’s head:
Yamulka. That word looks gross to me now like some milk gone bad.
9) When asked what bet he lost:
Look at this photograph! Look at it motherfucker. Goodbyeeeeer
10) The night comes to an end:
Shows over I’m in the kitchen making biscuits.
I’m so glad I opened up Reddit today.
Photo: Nickelback official website