Jennifer Lopez is arguably one of the biggest divas to ever grace the pages of blind items and gossip columns, and you’re telling me she’s being replaced on American Idol with THE diva of all divas, Ms. Mariah Carey? The Glitter Goddess who gave one of her test tube twins a proper adjective for a name? The sugary pop princess who deigned to beat Princess Di in the wedding gown train game by exceeding an actual princess’s train length by two feet during her first circus wedding? Pssshhh. I’m in.
Now THIS is gonna be some must-see television, and I haven’t tuned into American Idol avidly since Clay Aiken was straight. I like to dabble in the audition process because I can’t resist a good train wreck, but ever since Simon’s nipples left the show it’s become a real snooze. Even Steven Tyler’s funky gumby toes and fancy scarves can’t maintain my attention for long.
So Steven Tyler and J.Lo are out, and Mariah Carey Mottola Cannon is in… this news really gets the wheels in my narrow mind turning. I will most likely never, ever be privy to what a real entertainment contract looks like, so let’s let our imaginations run away with us (or not really, because most people who obtain entertainment contracts have a limited grasp on reality) and conjure up a few of Ms. Carey’s American Idol demands:
1.) All endorsed Coca-Cola mugs must be lined with glitter (pink or purple only, no exceptions) prior to being filled to the brim with P. Diddy’s Ciroc vodka and 1/4 cup of unicorn extract.
2.) Ms. Carey must have her own dressing room backstage at all auditions complete with white rose petals, room-temperature pomegranate and Cristal smoothies, an indoor waterpark and a non-toxic wooden Versace jungle gym for the twins.
3.) The temperature of Ms. Carey’s dressing rooms and Hummer limousines must not exceed 24 degrees Celsius and the scent of Mariah Carey’s Luscious Pink must always be circulating in all air ducts.
4.) All hair extensions will be made from Rumplestiltskin’s spun gold, preferably of Turkish origin. Most Mediterranean-area gold may be considered if Turkish gold is unattainable.
5.) Ms. Carey’s breasts must be massaged with coconut water prior to being hoisted up by a variety of Victoria’s Secret Collection diamond bras, depending on what velvet, breast-baring ensemble Ms. Carey chooses to wear that day.
6.) Producers, production assistants and other “little people” working for Idol must only address Ms. Carey when spoken to by Ms. Carey initially, and must answer her with a simple “Shoo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doop” for “yes”, and “Mariah, you on fiyah” for “no.”
7.) All references regarding Ms. Carey’s mental breakdown immediately post-Glitter release will be followed up with an immediate termination of this contract.
8.) American Idol is responsible for scouting local burnout teenagers in every audition city who are willing to play Nintendo Wii and make s’mores with Mr. Cannon-Carey while Ms. Carey performs her duties.
9.) If at any time a contestant proves inadequate, Ms. Carey has the right to interrupt the failing contestant by belting out selections from Fantasy or The Emancipation of Mimi.
10.) Ms. Carey also reserves the right to permit or deny the spot of the third American Idol judge based on age, height, weight, and Louboutin shoe collection.
While we’re on the subject, I would love for the rumors to come true and have Aretha Franklin sit next to Mariah and Randy Jackson on the judge’s panel. Can you imagine?? I don’t know if that amount of diva ego has ever been in such close proximity before. I say bring it on: the crazy hats, the battle of the breasts, the condescending criticisms… pure ratings gold. Sigh.
It’s just a sweet sweet fantasy baby
When I close my eyes you come and you take me
On and on and on
So deep in my daydreams, but it’s just a
Sweet, sweet fantasy baby…