When you arose from your beds this morning, I know that you felt, as I did, a niggling feeling that something was different. Something was special about today. You couldn’t put your finger on it, but I’ll tell you what it is — a Culkin was born today! It’s a Culkin’s Culky Birthday, and that Culkin is a Rory kind. Happy birthday, Rory Culkin! You’re 23 today! Hooray! Now of course, you can’t talk about one Culkin without talking about the others (they get jealous, you see), so we decided to reacquaint you with the Culkin actor boys in honor of this special day. And because being a child actor is pretty universally acknowledged to be a tough thing to transition out of, let’s see how each of the boys has adapted to life beyond child stardom, and rank them from most to least well-adjusted.
Before we start that, though, a bit of trivia; did you know that there are SEVEN Culkins? Shane Arliss Culkin, born 1976, Dakota Ulissa Culkin, 1978 – 2008 (Dakota was tragically killed in 2008 when she was struck by a car in Los Angeles), Macaulay Carson Culkin, born 1980, Kieran Kyle Culkin, born 1982, Quinn Kay Culkin, born 1984, Christian Patrick Culkin, born 1987, and Rory Hugh Culkin, born 1989. That is more Culkins than even I thought, but for today we’re just going to focus on the act-y ones: Macauley, Kieran, and Rory.
At the most well-adjusted end of the spectrum, we have Mr. Kieran Culkin. Congratulations! Kieran is 29 and living in New York City. He’s on this end of the rating spectrum because he’s still working, doesn’t appear to have ever been arrested, and he’s the one I catch smiling the most in photos. He did a lot of well-received indie films in the 2000s, and also played Simon Boggs in that teen movie classic She’s All That, which earns him major adjustment-points in my book.
The award for second most well-adjusted Culkin brother goes to Rory, who is 23 today and also living in New York City. Rory hasn’t been arrested or anything either, but he is the youngest of seven kids, so you have to assume there are some issues lurking there since he’s the baby of the family. He also began his career by playing the younger versions of his real life brothers, so maybe he struggles with wanting to get out of their shadows? I don’t know I’m just guessing! GAWD. He and Kieran are probably tied for most well-adjusted, but he’s only 23 so I feel okay about giving Kieran the win.
And now for Macaulay. This is what we’ve all been waiting for. Macaulay is 31, living in Queens, and hovering at the least-adjusted end of the spectrum. Which actually makes sense, when you think about it, because he was easily the most famous of the three, and his dad notoriously stole, like…all his Home Alone money when he was a kid. Macaulay’s got a few reasons for being at the bottom of this list, so let’s hear ‘em. He got married in 1998 at age 18 and was divorced four years later. He was arrested for possession of marijuana and prescription pills and plead guilty to a misdemeanor. He ‘retired’ from acting at age 14, but later returned to it with roles in movies like Saved and Sex and Breakfast. Probably because he was so famous as a kid, he was never fully able to get past guest appearances on shows and in movies to take on the same roles that his brothers have. He does seem to have his shit together as of late, however, as the media hasn’t been hearing about him. Usually a good sign when someone’s flying under the radar.
So there you have it. A definitive, scientific guide for ranking the Culkin brothers from most to least well-adjusted. You can take that to the bank and spend it. But only after you steal it from your kids, of course. Happy birthday, Rory!