If you’re like me, you also won’t be able to see The Dark Knight Rises, the final installment in Christopher Nolan’s epic Batman trilogy, this weekend because you didn’t buy tickets soon enough, or because you don’t have a tent in which to camp out in front of the theater, or because you have to go to that thing with your family, or because you don’t want to see The Dark Knight Rises.
The first two are legitimate excuses. If it’s because you have to go to that thing with your family, then fake your own death so you can get out of that thing and go to the movie. If it’s because you don’t want to see The Dark Knight Rises then don’t fake your own death, just die. I hate you and we won’t ever be friends.
Maybe that’s not such a bad thing though because this is a terrible time to have any friends or know any human beings who aren’t you. The hardest part about not being able to see The Dark Knight Rises is the struggle to avoid finding out what happens from someone who’s seen it. You have to walk everywhere with your fingers in your ears, which means that even though your not getting Dark Knight related information, you could be missing important information about your actual life. “Excuse me, sir, we tracked down your father who left your family 20 years ago.” Meanwhile, your pointer-fingers are pressed into your ear drums and you’re screaming back, “No, don’t ruin the ending! I’m going to see it next week!”
But that’s a small price to pay because if you aren’t seeing the movie you must avoid all things Dark Knight until you can see the movie. This can be done in three easy steps.
Step one: avoid every person in the world.
This seems pretty foolproof. By avoiding all seven billion people in the world it is likely that you won’t find out what happens in this movie. So, the question then becomes: where can I avoid everybody in the world? What are some secluded places?
The first that comes to mind is the car. This is a terrible choice because you could easily find out what happens in the movie. Don’t believe me? Well, what if you got in a car accident and the other driver got out of his car and said, “Let’s swap insurance information. You destroyed my bumper. Batman appears to be dead at the end of the movie.” Now, the movie’s ruined and you don’t have a car anymore!
“Well, what about flying to a distant, uninhabited land?” you ask? No! That’s a terrible idea! The pilot could slip some Dark Knight information into his pre-flight safety speech. Or, you could find that the uninhabited island is actually inhabited by a native tribe who are also coincidentally huge Christian Bale fans. It could happen. Nay, it probably will happen.
So, the only truly safe place leads me to step two.
Step two: Build impenetrable bomb shelter.
Avoiding all human contact in your impenetrable bomb shelter is the perfect way to avoid all Dark Knight related information until you can see the movie.
Now, I already know what your criticism of this idea is. You’re saying, “Harry, I don’t have the time or the steel working skills to build an impenetrable bomb shelter! Plus, I have a job so, I have to interact with people.”
Then you only have Step Three: Pretend like you’ve seen the movie.
If you pretend like you’ve seen the movie, you’ve essentially flipped the power struggle. Everyone who hasn’t seen it will be begging you to tell them what happened, which will give you a welcome sense of entitlement. And to the people who have seen the movie, you can send a knowing glare and say extremely vague things like, “Oh, I loved it. Can you believe that thing that happened at the beginning, and then that other thing that happened in the middle, and then how they handled all those things at the end? Unbelievable!”
Those are three simple steps to follow. If you follow them, when you finally see the movie, it will be an intense movie-going experience. If you don’t, you’re life will be ruined. It’s up to you.