I’m so angry I can hardly type. The Emmy nominations were released this morning, and there are some mistakes that have been made. Some of my most favoritest shows and actors weren’t even nominated, and I smell a conspiracy. A conspiracy to make me unhappy, which I’ve started to notice is what most conspiracies are about, because I am the center of most peoples’ universes. ANYWAY. Here are some of the main things that have my panties in a twist this year — The Top Ten Most Serious Emmy Nomination Injustices:
1. Christina Aguilera, The Voice. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are great and all, and I’m glad they’re nominated for Funniest Woman on Television or something like that, but I laughed just as hard at Xtina’s Voice outfits as I did at anything else this past year, so why not throw her a bone?
MY VOTE: Best Use Of Ass Cleavage Costuming In A Reality Series.
2. Charlie Sheen, Two And A Half Men. Just when I thought the audience for this brilliant show couldn’t get any bigger, Charlie Sheen went and made it happen! Turns out when you blow massive amounts of cocaine off a stripper’s ass and then talk about it on air, people want to watch your show! Since the Emmys rudely snubbed them, I just want to give a massive shout-out not only to Charlie, but also to the overgrown apes who write that comedy gold.
MY VOTE: Best Mental Breakdown In A Comedy Series Written By Chimpanzees.
3. Kris Jenner, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I know there are people behind-the-scenes on this show who deserve some credit as well, but I can’t believe Kris Jenner wasn’t at least nominated for Best Mom on TV. I mean look at all she does for her kids! She arranged Kim‘s sex tape, is pushing Kourteney to marry Scott Disick, and is currently prepping Kendall and Kylie for the spotlight, so give it up for the hardest-working mom-ager in show business. Let’s get her the recognition she deserves.
MY VOTE: Outstanding Mom-aging In A Reality Series.
4. Emily Maynard, The Bachelorette. Have you ever had to pretend to be interested in someone you’re not? Well have you ever had to pretend to be interested in twenty-five people you’re not? Well Emily Maynard has, but where’s her Emmy, huh? Just because no one writes down the words for her to say when she lets down these guys easy? I’m tired of improv not being accepted as a true form of theater. This woman is, like, the Meryl Streep of the television scene, and we’re doing a deep disservice to our country and our president by not nominating her for an Emmy.
MY VOTE: Outstanding Use Of Man-Tears In A Reality Competition.
5. Smash. Some shows do the expected thing — they get a good cast, and they create a good season. But Smash isn’t just any other show. They’re bucking tradition in ways nobody’s yet dared. They got a great cast, a talented writer, and a ton of hype, and completely and totally bombed the content of their show. I can’t believe the people running the Emmys weren’t impressed by their dogged determination to ruin all the potential of that show. It’s a miracle, is what it is, that they were able to destroy it so thoroughly with some many factors working in their favor. So in case you were worried that no one was watching; you’re right, I’m not, but I’m giving you kudos anyway on your extremely impressive work.
MY VOTE: Outstanding Commitment To Sucking Against All Odds, In A Drama Series.
6. Tia and Tamera. I’m actually speechless that this spell-binding look into the exciting personal lives of the two of the most famous women who have ever lived isn’t more successful. When I watch a show entirely dedicated to the domestic lives of people who were barely famous fifteen years ago, I expect them to get some awards at the end.
MY VOTE: Outstanding Waste Of Resources For A Reality Series.
7. The Choice. Just give this show an Oscar already. I don’t care that that’s not done, we’re gonna do it because this show is delving to depths in the human psyche that we’ve never before even pondered. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity for celebrities to judge me the same way I’ve always judged them, and what better way than to trick them into being interested in me while they can’t see me so that they can reject me as soon as they see my face? I’ve never felt so beautiful, or so angry that this show isn’t getting the critical acclaim it deserves.
MY VOTE: Most Humiliating Use Of Spinning Chairs In A Dating Series.
8. Honey Boo Boo Child, Toddlers And Tiaras. There’s nothing more heart-warming than seeing an overweight toddler get gussied up in make-up and insult her mother, so imagine my surprise when Honey Boo Boo Child and her parent series Toddlers and Tiaras weren’t even mentioned in the nominations. That girl worked her butt off to be that spoiled, and if we’re not going to reward her for that, then I don’t even want to live in the world.
MY VOTE: Biggest Break Out Star Under The Age Of Five.
9. Angela Lindvall, Project Runway. I don’t know if you watched the last off-brand season of Project Runway where there was no Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum, or Nina Garcia, but it was really really impressive. The model Angela Lindvall was the host, and for an animatronic robot, she did such a good job! She hardly seemed stiff or wooden at all, and most importantly, she remembered that age-old wisdom of, “If you’re hosting a reality show, never never never relax your eyebrows. It will make the audience watching feel too comfortable not to see you stressed out.”
MY VOTE: Hardest-Working Eyebrows In A Reality Competition Host.
10. How I Met Your Mother. When a show promises to reveal information to me for seven solid seasons and then adds another seasn, I don’t get mad, I get generous! I want to give them an award so they know that even though it seems like I’ve stopped caring, I really haven’t. I want them to be encouraged to keep creating season after season long after all the creative plot points have been used up and I’ve gotten over every character except for Neil Patrick Harris as Barney.
MY VOTE: Most Prolonged Blue-Balling In A Comedy Series.
And I think that covers everybody! There was definitely injustice at the nominations, but I feel better having confronted every single instance. Now I can watch it and not be mad when the exact same people win the exact same prizes as last year. I’ll just be here on the edge of my seat.