Conclusion 3: Pam has a lot of, like, favoritest guys ever. On a related note, Sylvester Stallone is creepy. But I’m still jealous.
Exhibit A: Bruce (See Conclusion #1 Exhibit A)
Exhibit B: Elvis
She noticed my purse pin and asked, “So you like Elvis?”
I said, “Oh yeah! How about you?”
“Well I better,” she replied. “I lived with him for four years.”
I started to laugh, certain that she was teasing me.
The gal that was doing Linda’s hair turned my laugh into a gasp by telling me, “She’s not kidding!”
I couldn’t believe it. Elvis was my first love, and here I was interviewing with his former girlfriend.
Exhibit B: Sly
This was the adventure and excitement I was hoping for and why I wanted to become a Hollywood nanny – to meet not just a true superstar, but the man of my dreams.
The moment that I saw Sly for the first time is engraved in my memory forever. Peeking out the window from behind a curtain, I watched him pull up in a sleek, black jaguar. He stepped out of the car, sporting a bright colorful Hawaiian shirt, and some very tight jeans. Oh my. With his bronzed skin, aviator sunglasses, and a wooden matchstick in his mouth, he looked cool beyond words, wealthy, powerful and gorgeous. He looked how you expected a mega star to look. He was far more handsome than he’d ever been in any of his movies. To say my heart leapt is an understatement – it was doing somersaults.
Conclusion 4: Khloe is still the best Kardashian, even if she isn’t really one.
Exhibit A: She knew how to play matchmaker even at ten.
Khloe was constantly trying to set me up with any man she thought was available that was within my age range. Most of the men she suggested to me were too old, too young or not my type. So after the first couple of riding lessons, she started telling me about her instructor Dan, and gushed about how cute he was, and that she thought I should date him. Based on my past experiences with her, I didn’t give much thought to it.
One day, as we drove up to the riding ring, I saw a younger man riding a horse, and he was drop dead gorgeous, all rugged and manly.
I said, “Khloe is that your riding instructor?”
She looked at me with excitement in her eyes and exclaimed, “Yes! You like him don’t you?!”
Without another word, she jumped out of the LandCruiser and ran towards Dan, yelling. “My nanny likes you! My nanny likes you!”
Exhibit B: Needs no explanation.
Khloe’s favorite movie was Grease and she would stand on the coffee table in the living room and dance and sing all of the songs from that movie.
Conclusion 5: Pam’s not…the sharpest nail on Kris Jenner’s finger. Or as great of a nanny as she thinks she was. Wow I’ve collected a lot of evidence for this one; it must be true.
Exhibit A: She was chill with the whole dating a 42-year old who just broke up with her employer thing.
I was 19. He was 42, but SO hot! The age difference didn’t bother me at all.
Exhibit B: She doesn’t know what a trapezoid is.
Robert was about five, and he was eating a piece of Christmas candy one day, and he held it out to me and said, “Look a trapezoid!”
I looked at him and said, “What’s a trapezoid?” (I didn’t really excel in academics in high school, remember?)
He held my two arms out parallel and then placed his two hands on the sides to make a rectangular shape. He said, “That’s a trapezoid.”
I went to the dictionary and looked up “trapezoid” and sure enough, it said, “A four-sided flat shape with straight sides, that has a pair of opposite sides parallel.” I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, I really should have paid more attention in school. Now a five year old is teaching me new words!
Exhibit C: She let a friend and two guys party at the Kardashian’s house when Kris and Bruce were away and she was asleep along with the kids.
I heard all of the commotion and woke up, rubbing my eyes as I walked into the living room thinking what are those crazy kids up to now? When I saw Anne and the guys, and the remnants of the night of drinking spread around the living room, I froze. Oh crap!
Exhibit D: She decided to drive straight instead of following the curves of the Pacific Coast Highway after two beers, and seems to think the drunk test is harder than the MCATs.
So I had the privilege of trying to perform the “drunk test” that no sane and sober person could ever pass. He never told me whether I passed or failed, but I assume I got an “F” because he put me in his cop car and took me to the Malibu police station, where I blew .08 on the first test, and .07 on the second.
Exhibit E: She spit on a kid.
In a letter to her parents: Is my brother home yet? If he is, please hit him for me. Ha! Remember how he always pinned me down, sat on me, and pretended to spit on me? Well, I did that to Brody and I accidentally spit in his face. Poor kid was so mad. I felt real bad but you know me, all I could do was laugh. Of course that didn’t make things any better.
Exhibit F: She left a gorgeous house and solid job in Malibu to head up a convenience store in Nashville, just a few short years before she could’ve become famous.
The combination of Kris being pregnant and the not guilty verdict were the final straws. I gave Bruce and Kris my notice a few days later. It was time to move on. I still wasn’t completely sure where I was going to go or what I was going to do with my life, but I KNEW it was time to go.
Exhibit G: She makes this incredibly confusing statement about her eating disorder. If he helped, shouldn’t you be gaining weight?
As the days turned into weeks, our friendship blossomed. I confided in him about my eating disorder, and he was supportive and helpful, and over those few months, I lost most of the weight I had gained. (The possibility of dating Sylvester Stallone was slightly motivating, as you can imagine.)
Conclusion 6: Brody Jenner is gay. Kidding, I just think the image of Brody wearing fake Ray Bans and chasing a hummingbird is hilarious.
The one and only exhibit that even mildly supports this completely false assertion:
Brody was also athletic, but his passion was nature, and he was always chasing hummingbirds, butterflies, squirrels and bees around the yard or in the outfield at T-Ball practice. He also loved to fish at a local man made pond called TroutDale that was stocked with fish. We would get a bamboo pole and kernels of corn and fish for hours. Brody loved sunglasses, and was always grabbing Linda’s or mine and posing, asking us to take a picture of him. A star in the making!
Conclusion 7: Pam knows things about O.J. that she won’t tell us.
As you might imagine, there were conservations I overheard, and comments made in hushed confidence that would be considered hearsay, and not appropriate, in my opinion, for me to tell. Needless to say, it was an interesting time, yet so horribly sad and tragic, to be somewhat of an insider to this entire saga.
Conclusion 8: That was two hours of my life I’ll never get back.