• Wed, Jul 18 2012

The Kardashian’s Ex-Nanny’s Book Isn’t As Juicy As We’d Hoped, But We Wanted To Share The Best Excerpts With You

After reading Malibu Nanny, I have concluded that Pam Behan — nanny to the Jenner boys for two and a half years and the Kim Kardashian & Co. for five — is a genuinely nice person, who truly cared about the kids she looked after (though perhaps not so much for Kris Jenner). I respect her for not disclosing any truly personal information about the Kardashians’ upbringing in her memoir.

That said, if you’re not going to disclose any truly personal information about the Kardashians’ upbringing in your memoir, why even write the book?

Seriously, either give us the juice or keep your mouth shut and be grateful that family gave you a pretty damn cushy life for eight years. But still, this is a book about the Kardashians, so there’s always something to talk about. Malibu Nanny has brought me to the following conclusions — or hypotheses, depending on how scientifically-minded you are and how much trust you’re willing to put in a Crushable intern.

Conclusion #1: Pam had a thing for Bruce Jenner

Exhibit A: She gushes about him.

When the front door opened around seven p.m., the boys blew in like a tornado, full of energy and excitement. I was expecting to see Linda right behind them, but to my great surprise, it was Bruce Jenner himself. My idol, the American Hero, the man on the Wheaties box. Here he was standing right in front of me. Flabbergasted, nervous, excited, shocked, overwhelmed – I was a jumble of emotions.

As he went out the front door, he turned around, a big smile on his face, and said, “You’ll be seeing a lot of me.”
Thank you, Jesus. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but thank you.

To know Bruce is to love him. He is one of the most positive, inspirational people I’ve ever met. He overcame dyslexia as a child and went on to become an Olympic champion, as you know, and eventually, a much sought after motivational speaker.

One of our favorites was the theme from the movie, Beaches titled “Wind Beneath my Wings.” We would sing that song at the top of our lungs. I loved it because the lyrics are “did you ever know that you’re my hero?” And Bruce was my hero, so it was surreal to sing that line to him, as he sat next to me.

Exhibit B: They became deep-conversation-having friends, which necessitates at least a little bit of sexual tension. I am a firm believer that 100-percent-never-even-crossed-either-person’s-mind friendships between a male and a female do not exist.

Since we spent a great deal of time together, Bruce and I became close friends. We talked about everything from our childhoods and families to the Olympics and his career. We shared a love of sports, cars and classic music. Our favorite song was “Madonna’s Like a Prayer, which we would sing at the top of our voice whenever it came on the radio.

Exhibit C: She flirted with him. I don’t blame her, but it happened.

Later that day, when Bruce and I were alone for a moment, I told him that I knew they weren’t going to fire me.
“Oh really? How could you be so certain?” he asked.
“Cuz good help is hard to find!” I said with the sweetest smile I could muster.
A big smirk covered his face, but he didn’t say a word.

Exhibit D: She makes a point of saying the relationship was completely platonic and she didn’t harbor a secret love for him. Dead giveaway. For “one hundred percent platonic relationships,” see Exhibit B.

My friendship with Bruce was always one hundred percent completely platonic. I never kissed him. I did not have sex with him, nor did I harbor a secret love for him. There was never anything inappropriate between us, but we shared many thoughtful and deep conversations, and intimate details about our lives. Honestly, he was like a big brother to me, and I came to depend on his presence in my life. Bruce had become one of my closest friends.

Conclusion #2: Though Kris was generous and kind to Pam, the girl ain’t a fan, and is sometimes a little less grateful than she should be.

Exhibit A: She makes about ten quips about broccoli throughout the book. Maybe the woman just needed some broccoli! Jesus.

“$#&%! $#&%! $#&%! “I can’t believe you forgot the $#&%ing broccoli!”
Broccoli was not on the short list she had given me that day, although it was a regular item on the weekly list. I did not know, shame on me, that keeping broccoli stocked in the refrigerator was so critical.
Note to self: although not obvious to the average person, myself included, broccoli is a staple as important.

Exhibit B: Kris actually seems like a damn good boss to have, and she wrote her a very sweet recommendation letter.

I was about the same size as Kris, and I got a lot of hand me downs from her, which was incredibly generous, but not a very realistic wardrobe for a nanny, who spends her time in the car pool lane, at the grocery store, and sitting in a classroom on a college campus. Where on earth am I going to wear a red leather dress? I inherited two of those leather dresses – a black one as well. After hanging in my closet for years, I sold them at a yard sale for fifty bucks each. I kid you not, two women literally got in a fistfight over those dresses.

From my nanny’s salary and waiting tables at Gladstone’s I was paying my tuition at Pepperdine, without my parents’ help or taking out any loans. There were a few times that I didn’t have enough cash for my tuition payment. Kris actually wrote my tuition check to Pepperdine, and then took it out of my future salary. That was kind and generous, and very much appreciated, not to mention trusting (that I would stick around and pay it off).

One of my sweetest memories of Kris was at my senior recital at Pepperdine. My mom and dad couldn’t make the trip out, so Kris made it a point to be there. When I dedicated “Music Box Dancer” to my mom, I noticed Kris was in tears as she watched me play.

Exhibit C: This quote. And how she’s always saying she respectfully disagreed with some of Kris’ parenting decisions. Granted, who wouldn’t. But it proves the point.

I find it funny that the reality show that made this family famous is called “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” because from what I saw, they were constantly trying to “keep up with the Joneses.” Kris always seemed to be rubbing elbows with people that were “somebody.” Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Robert spent time with friends whose parents were celebrities or people in the limelight. I believe she was grooming her children for their current celebrity status their entire lives. They only wore the cutest clothes from the nicest stores, and were always perfectly well dressed. Even at a young age, they were fashion plates, and their image was being carefully crafted. I do believe that the success they enjoy now is what she always hoped for and wanted for them and for herself.

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