If The Real Housewives of New York City is a battle arena and the Housewives are the contestants, I think it’s time we put some money on these ladies. The main competitors in this week’s battle royale are Heather Thomson vs. Ramona Singer and Carole Radziwill and LuAnn de Lesseps. These women are battling mightily against each other in the hopes of winning America’s Next Top Model. No, that’s not right. They’re competing to win money? Or fame? No, neither one of those. When it all comes down to it, these women are competing mightily against each other for the privilege of doing the exact same thing next season.
The argument between Heather and Ramona is an old one, and I’ve been pretty clear about which side I’m on. Ramona hates Heather because she considers Heather to be fake and phony. At least that’s what she says…but in reality I think she just hates that she can’t get Heather to like her. My girl Heather is the only woman I’ve ever seen take on Ramona in a mature, reasonable way. Which is exactly why she’s going to fail. Bottom line, Ramona can’t be spoken to like a human. In this episode, Heather kept chasing her through Aviva Drescher‘s 5th Anniversary party trying to get her to have an actual conversation, but they got to the point where Ramona was essentially backed up against the bar, rolling her eyes and tossing her head like a spooked horse to avoid making eye contact. This is normally the point at which Ramona would have her opponent in tears of frustration, like she did to Jill Zarin, but Heather just doesn’t care enough about her, so Ramona can’t get a foothold. They’ve both really met their match in this fight, but I predict Heather comes out on top. Mostly because I love her, but also because she’s right.
In the other corner of the ring we have Carole and LuAnn. This is another tricky pairing, because only Carole really knows the two are even fighting. It really speaks volumes about the craziness of past casts that it took me five seasons to notice how crazy self-obsessed LuAnn is. Carole points it out right away — LuAnn is the Countess of One-upsmanship. (Shhh, it’s a word.) Any time anyone mentions an accomplishment, a skill, or even just a fact, LuAnn is on. That. Shit. She one-ups it before the person even has a chance to finish the sentence. It’s a skill in itself. But it’s starting to wear on Carole, who I don’t think is going to last another season because she physically can’t stand to be around these imbeciles. Carole started cattily one-upping LuAnn, trying to make her see how annoying she was being by giving her a taste of her own medicine. But again, that will literally never work. As Heather noticed when she tried to let LuAnn know that she was frustrating the other girls, LuAnn has absolutely no awareness of anything outside herself. Carole’s fighting a boxing match with someone who doesn’t even know she’s in the ring.
So there are my two girls: Carole and Heather, fighting against obliviousness and pure, unadulterated crazy. It’s a tough battle, and one they’re not likely to win, but boy do I like watching them fight. And joining me on the couch in our PJs with the popcorn will be none other than Sonja Morgan, who’s loving this fighting maybe even more than I am.