The divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes continues to get more ridiculous. Just during this past week we’ve learned that Katie Holmes was using disposable phones, she was enlisting Tom Cruise’s ex-wife Nicole Kidman to help her escape, she received full custody of Suri Cruise, and Tom Cruise might still be gay.
This is, of course, a classic example of something that is terrible for a few people and a lot of fun for a lot of people. How sick is it that we are speculating more about what broke up this couple than, say, how it will effect their only child? Maybe pretty sick. But, it’s so exciting. Who could even care about that sort of stuff when it’s not your life? Uhh, nobody, that’s who!
So, really the only question left to be answered is: When is this movie coming out? One could argue that there are many more question to be answered, but it could also be argued that we could just make those answers up, as we learned last week.
We do know one thing for sure, that this story has all the makings of a great movie. High profile, powerful people who are hiding dark, sexy secrets. There’s desperation, and children, and love, and hate, and money, and gayness, and not gayness, and speculation, and intrigue. It’s like The Lion King in that it’s not like that at all. Maybe it’s more like Kramer V. Kramer for the 21st Century.
Nonetheless, I am fully on board with this movie. So, the next step is to cast the thing, right? We need to attach some stars to this thing if we’re going to get it made. I think I am the perfect person to cast this film. I worked in a casting office last summer, and, above all else, I am extremely judgmental. That reminds me, if you’re reading this, are you really wearing that shirt? It looks like a Jackson Pollack Painting that was thrown into and then recovered from The Grand Canyon.
So, here are some casting options I came up for depending on the genre in which the movie will be made.
Classic Comedy: Will Ferrell as Tom Cruise and Kristen Wiig as Katie Holmes. How can you match the oft-ridiculous behavior of Tom Cruise, by casting the even more ridiculous Zach Galifianakis, but he’s not available, so, we’ll go with Will Ferrell. Kristen Wiig is brilliant and really good at playing mindless characters. She should do well here.
Oscar-Worthy: Daniel Day Lewis as Tom Cruise and Amy Adams as Katie Holmes. Daniel Day Lewis and Amy Adams would melt into these roles like fine cheese on a sandwich, by enveloping them whole, but not overwhelming their complexities. Though having this movie made would probably be offensive to Tom Cruise, having Daniel Day Lewis play him in a movie would, no doubt, be a huge honor.
Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry as Tom Cruise and Tyler Perry as Katie Holmes. Tyler Perry would portray every character in this version of the film including the couple’s young daughter Suri. This movie will be absolutely awful, heartwarming, and slightly offensive to people of all races and creeds.
Movie to Revive an Acting Career: David Spade as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as Katie Holmes. Both of these people need a lift.
So, let’s get production going because Hollywood is about fads, and this is the fad of the moment. Tom Cruise is like a vampire. They are both hot right now, and they’re both kind of scary.