A Guys Says: I Can’t Wait For the Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Movie

The divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes continues to get more ridiculous.  Just during this past week we’ve learned that Katie Holmes was using disposable phones, she was enlisting Tom Cruise’s ex-wife Nicole Kidman to help her escape, she received full custody of Suri Cruise, and Tom Cruise might still be gay.

This is, of course, a classic example of something that is terrible for a few people and a lot of fun for a lot of people.  How sick is it that we are speculating more about what broke up this couple than, say, how it will effect their only child?  Maybe pretty sick.  But, it’s so exciting.  Who could even care about that sort of stuff when it’s not your life?  Uhh, nobody, that’s who!

So, really the only question left to be answered is:  When is this movie coming out?  One could argue that there are many more question to be answered, but it could also be argued that we could just make those answers up, as we learned last week.

We do know one thing for sure, that this story has all the makings of a great movie.  High profile, powerful people who are hiding dark, sexy secrets.  There’s desperation, and children, and love, and hate, and money, and gayness, and not gayness, and speculation, and intrigue.  It’s like The Lion King in that it’s not like that at all.  Maybe it’s more like Kramer V. Kramer for the 21st Century.

Nonetheless, I am fully on board with this movie.  So, the next step is to cast the thing, right?  We need to attach some stars to this thing if we’re going to get it made.  I think I am the perfect person to cast this film.  I worked in a casting office last summer, and, above all else, I am extremely judgmental.  That reminds me, if you’re reading this, are you really wearing that shirt?  It looks like a Jackson Pollack Painting that was thrown into and then recovered from The Grand Canyon.

So, here are some casting options I came up for depending on the genre in which the movie will be made.

Classic Comedy: Will Ferrell as Tom Cruise and Kristen Wiig as Katie Holmes.  How can you match the oft-ridiculous behavior of Tom Cruise, by casting the even more ridiculous Zach Galifianakis, but he’s not available, so, we’ll go with Will Ferrell.  Kristen Wiig is brilliant and really good at playing mindless characters.  She should do well here.

Oscar-Worthy: Daniel Day Lewis as Tom Cruise and Amy Adams as Katie Holmes.  Daniel Day Lewis and Amy Adams would melt into these roles like fine cheese on a sandwich, by enveloping them whole, but not overwhelming their complexities.  Though having this movie made would probably be offensive to Tom Cruise, having Daniel Day Lewis play him in a movie would, no doubt, be a huge honor.

Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry as Tom Cruise and Tyler Perry as Katie Holmes.   Tyler Perry would portray every character in this version of the film including the couple’s young daughter Suri.  This movie will be absolutely awful, heartwarming, and slightly offensive to people of all races and creeds.

Movie to Revive an Acting Career:  David Spade as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as Katie Holmes.  Both of these people need a lift.

So, let’s get production going because Hollywood is about fads, and this is the fad of the moment.  Tom Cruise is like a vampire.  They are both hot right now, and they’re both kind of scary.

(Photo: WENN.com)

You can reach this post's author, Harry Barron, on twitter.
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    • Carrie

      Cruise did lose a gay lawsuit when the porn star’s ex wife said it was true, Cruise sued her and lost, it is believed the porn star was paid to keep quiet and default on the original lawsuit, as he has not resurfaced since.
      Here is the lawsuit he lost against the ex wife:

      Cruise Slapped with Lawyer Fees By Mark Armstrong

      Tom Cruise has encountered a minor setback in his crusade against a gay porn star’s alleged tabloid-tattling.

      A Los Angeles judge on Wednesday ordered Cruise to pay $27,900 in legal fees to Kristina Ann Kirstin, a woman named in the star’s $100 million defamation lawsuit against “erotic wrestler” Chad Slater.

      Kirstin is the ex-wife of Slater (aka Kyle Bradford), who was sued by Cruise in May for allegedly spreading a false tale that he had an affair with the movie star. The lawsuit was one of several attempts by Cruise to squash once and for all the rumors about his sexual orientation–his lawyer even said the star was prepared to “prove in court” that he’s not gay.

      Slater, for his part, denied the rumor-mongering charges. But that didn’t satisfy Cruise, who in July expanded his lawsuit to include Slater’s ex-wife. Cruise claims Kirstin sold her story to the National Enquirer saying her husband left her for Cruise.

      On Wednesday, however, Superior Court Judge Aurelio Munoz raised questions about the logic of Cruise’s complaint against Kirstin. Included in the four-page amendment was a declaration from Slater saying he didn’t know Cruise at all–supposedly meant to show that Kirstin fabricated her tale.

      But Judge Munoz said the statement seemed to contradict Cruise’s complaint against Slater.

      “Plaintiff is blowing both hot and cold in this same proceeding,” reads the ruling, obtained by L.A.’s City News Service. “This [declaration from Slater] is the only evidence to indicate [Kirstin] knew the story was false when she sold it. Plaintiff cannot have it both ways.”