I had been hearing that American Idol was looking for one more judge, and that names like Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, will.i.am, Miley Cyrus, and Fergie were getting thrown around. All music industry professionals, current, popular…I’d have no problem with any of those. But then TMZ dropped a new knowledge bomb on me…apparently after expressing interest in it himself, Charlie Sheen is also up for consideration. Really? Charlie Sheen? Of tiger blood and #winning fame? He literally blows coke off of strippers’ asses. And not strippers in the music industry, either. Strippers in the stripping industry. This may be just a joke and I could be overreacting for nothing, but in case it’s not, I need us to stop rewarding this guy! He was already overpaid to overact on the worst-written show on television, now you’re thinking about overpaying him again to booze out of a Coke cup while he ogles 18-year old wannabe country singers? What is wrong with this picture.
Well I’ve always been taught, don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution. So with that in mind, I’m not just opposing the choice of Charlie Sheen, I’m also providing my own list of worthier (just barely) candidates for the perusal of the FOX producers.
- Cookie Monster. Because being distracted by cookies is preferable to being distracted by coke-fiending.
- Ned Stark. I have no reason, I just would really like to see the Lord of Winterfell from Game of Thrones judge a reality show singing contest.
- Paula Abdul. She may be just a dancer and not really know anything about music, but — wait, what was that? She was already a judge? Okay so…point proved? Great.
- Madonna‘s right nipple. It’s been seen onstage in concert in front of thousands of screaming fans, which is more than I can say for Charlie.
- Maxwell Drew, Jessica Simpson‘s new daughter. She may be just a baby, but she was inside a music professional for a whole fourteen months.
- Brian Dunkleman. Remember him from the very first season? No? Me neither, but let’s bring him back one more time anyway.
- Bo, the Obama Family‘s Portuguese Water Dog. I still think shitting on the lawn of the White House sends a better message than having sex with a prostitute.
I humbly submit that any one of these motley cast of characters would be infinitely better for my viewing pleasure than Charlie Sheen. He knows nothing about music, and after his behavior, he has no business judging other people. On anything.
(Image: WENN.com / Ian Wilson)