For A Dumb Person, Jessica Simpson Is Very Smart At Showbusiness

Jessica Simpson turns 32 today and all I want to do is make classic, “is this chicken or fish” jokes. But I won’t, because those are so cliche now that it feels like a dream we once had. A dream where Jessica Simpson gave her virginity to her husband Nick Lachey and we witnessed the aftermath on an MTV reality show. There’s no way that really happened, right? That Jessica Simpson packaged up her stupidity and sold it to us via a 30 minute reality show that gave new meaning to the word ditz? Oh right, it did. We all watched Newlyweds and we all watched the first transformation of Jessica Simpson happen in front of our eyes. But it would certainly not be the last one we’d get to witness.

No one would ever accuse Jessica Simpson of being smart. Which is weird, because she’s clearly very smart — especially when it comes to saying relevant in the constantly changing world of showbusiness. In an industry that cycles through mediocre singers with a surprising ferocity, Jessica Simpson managed to stay strong and stay in the headlines. Ironically, she’s done that by creating this incredibly naive persona that’s clearly exaggerated. No one this stupid could possibly be that savvy.

And so begins our investigation into how Jessica Simpson manages to pull off this dumb blonde act while simultaneously making $750,000,000 on her fashion line. Which, by the way, makes her the most successful celebrity fashion designer ever. Are you confused as to how this happened? Let’s take a look behind the curtain. Which curtain? The one that Papa Joe Simpson invented back in the late ’90s when he first started marketing his daugther as a stupid, but lovable cheerleader.

She kicked off her career with the song, “I Wanna Love You Forever” from her album “Sweet Kisses” in an attempt to capitalize on the success of Britney Spears and Christina Aquilera. It worked. The song reached #3 on the Billboard 100 and went on to go platinum.

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    • Katie

      This is so true. She’s definitely smarter than she acts. Now do you think those horrible mom jeans were also a stunt?

    • L

      thank you. i have been saying this same thing to ppl who ridicule her for years.

    • Cori

      Plus there was that time when she made a bunch of terrible movies. That didn’t keep her out of the limelight.

    • ProfSprout

      Great article. Sorry I didn’t see it until nearly a year later. I was looking for info about her. She could not possibly be the mouth-breather she seemed to be on Newlyweds and still be around. She doesn’t have Hilton money backing her like Paris Hilton (who’s been relegated to the cutting room floor on Real Housewife shows). Simpson seems to have made her own multi billion empire. How? This helped understand it a little more.

      • Jenni

        Thanks! It’s definitely much more of an act than people think. You can’t be that stupid and make that much money.

    • LumberIsWood

      Don’t care, she has huge boobs.