Jessica Simpson turns 32 today and all I want to do is make classic, “is this chicken or fish” jokes. But I won’t, because those are so cliche now that it feels like a dream we once had. A dream where Jessica Simpson gave her virginity to her husband Nick Lachey and we witnessed the aftermath on an MTV reality show. There’s no way that really happened, right? That Jessica Simpson packaged up herÂ stupidityÂ and sold it to us via a 30 minute reality show that gave new meaning to the word ditz? Oh right, it did. We all watched Newlyweds and we all watched the first transformation of Jessica Simpson happen in front of our eyes. But it would certainly not be the last one we’d get to witness.
No one would ever accuse Jessica Simpson of being smart. Which is weird, because she’s clearly very smart — especially when it comes to saying relevant in the constantly changing world of showbusiness. In an industry that cycles through mediocre singers with a surprising ferocity, Jessica Simpson managed to stay strong and stay in the headlines. Ironically, she’s done that by creating this incredibly naive persona that’s clearlyÂ exaggerated. No one this stupid could possibly be that savvy.
And so begins our investigation into how Jessica Simpson manages to pull off this dumb blonde act whileÂ simultaneouslyÂ making $750,000,000 on her fashion line. Which, by the way, makes her the most successful celebrity fashion designer ever. Are you confused as to how this happened? Let’s take a look behind the curtain. Which curtain? The one that Papa Joe Simpson invented back in the late ’90s when he first started marketing his daugther as a stupid, but lovable cheerleader.
She kicked off her career with the song, “I Wanna Love You Forever” from her album “Sweet Kisses” in an attempt toÂ capitalizeÂ onÂ theÂ success of Britney Spears and Christina Aquilera. It worked. The song reached #3 on the Billboard 100 and went on to go platinum.