When I remember, I try to do this thing where I say yes to life, no matter what. I hear myself starting to say no, and I change it to yes, just to see what happens. (They should make a movie about it and cast Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel. Don’t steal that idea, you guys.) I also do this thing where I work at a restaurant at night, and if you’ve ever done that, you know that it messes with your schedule; that you get out at odd hours feeling wired when people at other jobs are feeling exhausted. You leave the restaurant at 1:00am and go out drinking ’til 4:00, like on the regular. Because you don’t have to be at work again until 4:00pm the next day, and also because people in the restaurant industry be crazy. I also have Magic Mike on the brain, like every other woman in this country, so that probably contributed to this as well…
Those three factors combined last night in a way that found me walking into Flash Dancers at 1:30am with a straight guy and a lesbian. Not quite a rabbi, a priest, and an imam, but pretty close. It was my first time there and I’m not attracted to le tittes and le vagine, so I was able to be a pretty impartial social scientist, and I’d love to share my findings with you. So here they are. The 10 Things That I (A Straight Female) Learned At An Actual Strip Club Last Night:
- If you are a straight girl at a strip club, all they want you to do is touch their boobs. For serious. I’d be politely tucking a dollar into their G-strings like my mama raised me and they would pick up my hand and put it on their body somewhere. Which brings me to my next point…
- Fake boobs feel different than real boobs. In some part of my mind I always knew this, but it was still nice to have it confirmed by actual experience. The difference is, with a fake boob you can feel the edges, sort of. It’s hard to explain exactly, but you know it when you feel it.
- You really don’t want to know their names. Society has raised you to always introduce yourself when you meet someone new, but I find it difficult to make eye contact with someone who has just told me a lie and is now conducting a mammary parade near my facial zones. And I find it equally difficult to believe that your mother honestly named you ‘Chandelier’.
- It is 100% possible to smell like strippers. A mix of coconut oil, Victoria’s Secret, and…sparkles. Difficult to explain, but again, you’d know it if you smelled it.
- The bathroom is the last place you ever ever want to be. It’s fully lit and it’s where the strippers go in between sets to wipe off any foreign substances off of their money.
- If you are a female, and straight, and me, your lapdance will turn into a pleasant chat with a topless woman perched on your lap like Santa Claus while you politely hold her boobs.
- Strippers are smarter than you. I mean it. Just by looking at you, they know your sexual orientation, how to approach you, and how you wish to be danced upon. Strippers are social psychologists and they use their skills to take money away from men who don’t realize it. And even some who do. Mad props.
- You will amuse no one but yourself if you repeatedly ask for a ‘flap dance’.
- The ‘no touching’ rule only applies to you touching them. It does not apply to them reaching down your shirt and tweaking your own precious, non-stripper nip to get your attention.
- And finally — motorboating is a real thing that happens in real life to real people. Namely me. Last night.
So there you have it. That right there is everything you need to know about making it rain on some nice friendly ladies down at your local Clam Shack. Safe shucking.