You guys, you guys, you guys! I know the name of Sienna Miller‘s new baby! Wait, no I don’t. But she’s letting me name it. And by ‘letting me’ I mean she didn’t directly prohibit me from doing it. Possibly because she doesn’t know me, but probably because she wants to see what I come up with. I can explain. Read on.
Sienna Miller apparently gave birth this weekend, but the details of it are shrouded in mystery because Sienna has refused to comment on any aspect of her pregnancy because she doesn’t trust the media. It’s a pretty understandable response, considering her extremely public humiliation after Jude Law cheated on her with their nanny. Since then, she’s been notoriously tight-lipped about her personal life, meaning I really know nothing about it, but by god I’m gonna write about it anyway! It’s a slow news day and I need to inform the nation.
So. This baby. It is a human baby, it is begat by Sienna Miller and her fiance, fellow British actor Tom Sturridge, 26, who also happens to be Robert Pattinson‘s best friend. Look! That’s real and true information! News! But here’s where my information ends. I don’t know whether it’s a boy or a girl, what day it was born, what its name is, or any of those other details that people get so excited about like length and weight and whatnot.
So here’s what I’m gonna do until that information comes out. I’m going to predict the name of the baby based on its gender. And I’m going to do this by reaching for the nearest book, opening it to page 194 and picking out two names from the fourth sentence from the bottom. If there isn’t a name, I’ll use a word. These are celebrities, after all. Alicia Silverstone‘s baby is named Bear Blue. Get real. Okay so here goes. If the wee Miller babe is a boy, his name will be:
Merit Warren Sturridge.
Ooh. That’s actually not bad. I’m not mad at it. That’s from Justice For All: Earl Warren and the Nation He Made, by the way. I know, right? I’m so fancy. We’ll just pretend I’ve already read it. Ahem. Moving on to a new book, if the wee Miller babe is a girl, her name will be:
Holden Snapped Sturridge.
Again, I don’t hate it! ‘Snapped’ is a little weird, but it must be a family name. And she’s just a baby, you guys, don’t make fun of her. By the way, that name was brought to you courtesy of Chelsea Handler‘s My Horizontal Life. Which I have in fact read. I have…eclectic tastes.
All in all, I think today was a success. Sienna definitely won’t regret her decision to put me in charge of this.
(Image: Charles Ruby / WENN.com)