You thought it was bad enough that E.L. James makes approximately $1 million a week from sales of her erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey, right? Like, that was as awful as this tale was going to get. But now a culture expert is giving James credit for something much larger: He says that we’ll be seeing a baby boom inspired solely by people getting nasty thanks to Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.
Professor Ellis Cashmore predicts that in about nine months there’ll be a lot more newborns, because Fifty Shades of Grey has older couples trying out new things in the bedroom, and more sex just statistically leads to a higher incidence of babies. You have to appreciate how professional Professor Cashmore tries to sound about the whole thing, as absurd as it is: ”By the very nature of the subject matter I’m sure we can expect to see some couples revisiting and reigniting ideas that may have lain dormant for some time in the bedroom… Previously we have seen a spike in pregnancies during World Cups but this time it looks like girls being inspired to get into the bedroom.”
I also love how he compares the book’s success to a certain YA phenomenon from fifteen years ago: “And it seems to have worked, I have never known a first novel explode like his. Even the interest in Harry Potter only grew over a period of time.” Pro tip, Professor—maybe don’t mention Harry Potter in relation to porn. The fans don’t take well to that.
As ridiculous as this is, I say more power to the couples. Just as long as they’re not teen pregnancies! It seems like even though there’s a fairly devoted younger fanbase making photo manips on Tumblr and steamy YouTube videos, those kids are content to keep their fantasies to fan fiction, whereas their parents are the ones using the book as a marital aid.
The best quote comes from a new father in Wales, who sounds like he’d like to track down Christian Grey with a whip and take out his frustrations:
“The book turned [my wife] into a bit of an animal. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it at first—but she just couldn’t get enough, and now we’re expecting our third child together.”
At least Matthew McConaughey‘s third child, who was likely conceived during the filming of Magic Mike, will be in good company.
Photo: The Next Chapter