• Fri, Jul 6 2012

A Guy Says: I, Too, Am a Tom Cruise Conspiracy Theorist

Sadly, last week, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced they are divorcing after a five-year relationship.  Wait, did I say, “sad?”  I didn’t mean sad.  I meant amazing!  I couldn’t be more excited for the ruination of this family, as a matter of fact.  I think it’s a great way for Tom and Kate to celebrate the 4th of July. There’s nothing more American than domestic unrest.  Way to be patriots.

I’m mostly excited though because we all get to play detective.  It’s like a game of Clue.  What killed the Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes marriage?  Was it the maid in the living room with a rope?  Was it the butler in the kitchen with a gun?  Was it David Beckham in the closet with his penis!  Or, was it all three!?

I can’t be sure, but I have learned a lot about their relationship this week, which is related to what I learned about celebrity gossip this week.  I found out that if you don’t have the answers, you can make them up.  Well, this is incredibly exciting for me.  Instead, of patiently waiting for facts to emerge as the process moves along, we get to push that process down a mountain killing anything that gets in its way.  “Move out of the way, or you’re going to get crushed by a heaping pile of bull.”

What all this amounts to is that I know exactly why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced.

At 9:30 am, on May 24, 2012, Tom Cruise goes to an organic fruit market in the San Fernando Valley, leaving Katie Holmes at home with their six-year-old daughter Suri Cruise, who reveals to her mother that she is not her daughter, but rather a 28-year-old character actress who has been researching a role for a movie for the last six years.  Downtrodden, Katie Holmes calls Tom Cruise, imploring him to rush home, Tom Cruise says he will but instead stays at the market for 15 more minutes sampling peach jams.

In desperation, Katie calls her best friend, David Beckham, who says he’ll be right over.  It’s at this time that David Beckham says, “Tom, quite looking at those peach jams.  We have to go.”  When they arrive at the Cruise household, David Beckham and Tom Cruise decide that David will go into the house first and Tom will wait another 15 minutes in order to keep suspicions of their whereabouts at bay.  After all, both men are aware that Katie thinks they are lovers because no more than two weeks earlier she had caught them watching The Notebook together, while eating from the same bowl of popcorn.  Also, they were making out.

But, when Tom walks into his house after waiting the 15 minutes, he finds Katie and David sucking face in the hallway, where Katie immediately reveals that she is really a gay man cloaked in the body of a straight woman.  Weirded out, David Beckham leaves.

Tom Cruise, on the other hand, reveals that he is really a straight-gay woman shrouded in the body of a gay-straight man, and since Katie is actually gay and since Tom is gay and straight yet simultaneously neither gay nor straight and their daughter is really just an actress, their relationship was doomed to fail the entire time.

And that’s how we got to where we are today.

We follow celebrities because their lives don’t seem real.  There is something fictitious about them to us.  So, why would we wait for facts to emerge before making them up?  Will we eventually get an explanation as to what really happened?  Most likely.  But that’s no fun.

(Photo:  Andres Otero/ WENN.com)

You can reach this post's author, Harry Barron, on twitter.
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