Blake Lively Is The Worst Hostage Ever In Savages

Let me kick off this essay about Savages by saying that I’ve never said “WTF” out loud more times during a film in my entire life. Kudos to Oliver Stone for winning that coveted prize from me.

I must warn you that I can’t really tell you about Blake Lively showing us just how entitled a hostage she can be without pulling out a few plot spoilers. With that said, these spoilers will not ruin the movie for you. I can’t capture the weirdness of the film or Blake Lively’s breathy narrative voice with my words. Seriously, you could read this entire essay as well as every other review out there and still have absolutely no clue what happens in the movie.

Sociopathic murderer Chon (Taylor Kitsch) and free-loving philanthropist Ben (Aaron Johnson) are indie weed growers living the life in Laguna Beach. Not only do they grow the best weed in the whole entire world, but they’re both dating Ophelia (Blake Lively). It’s your classic menage a trois love story where everyone’s so madly obsessed with each other that it all works out swimmingly. (Oh what’s that? Those don’t exist because they’re completely unrealistic? Yeah, someone should tell everyone involved in this movie.)

Chon and Ben decline an offer from a Mexican drug cartel, lovingly referred to in the film as a the Wal-Mart of cartels. Since the drug cartel’s offer was much more of a “do this or die” type deal then an option, the cartel takes Ophelia hostage to show the boys that they mean business.

So begins the most obnoxious hostage scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a movie. Considering they’re psychotic murderous drug dealers who behead people and light them on fire daily, you’d think Ophelia would be grateful just to be alive. But no, when she’s offered a bed, bucket, sink and toothpaste, she asks, “no toothbrush?”

Hello! You’re a hostage. They’re being nice enough to provide you with any kind of dental hygiene. Do you really think requesting a toothbrush is at all appropriate? That’s only the beginning of her unwillingness to understand her situation. And it is dire.

At one point, she’s eating pizza and watching TV with one of her captors. Which you might think sounds nice of them, especially consdiering Ophelia watched a video of them kicking around human heads at one point. However you’d be thinking wrong. Ophelia starts crying and demanding healthier food, like a salad. Because she’s confused her situation with a Paneras customer service line.

And it only gets more ridiculous from there. Like the time she demands Internet so she can e-mail her mother from “Europe.” WHAT? Hostages don’t get internet access. I mean, she does, in this movie. Because I think they’re generally intrigued by her stupidity. But really? Did she really believe that internet access was a reasonable demand from the people HOLDING HER HOSTAGE?

Yes, yes she did. And without giving away every detail of every situation, I’ll just say one more thing about her. She gets to eat lamb chops for dinner one night and has the balls to insult her captor. It’s like she doesn’t understand what murder means.

Oh, it also has to be said that her hair and make-up look great throughout this entire ordeal. Meaning that someone’s providing with her fresh make-up and hair product during her captivity. As well as a dry cleaning service. There’s no other way to explain how her flowy white dress stays so clean.

While you might leave this movie questioning what it’s actually about, you’ll completely agree with me that this Blake Lively is the worst hostage ever.

(Photo: Theipolis)

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Brandt Hardin

I’m anxious to see the director’s adaptation of the novel and his commentary on the trafficking business. The War on Drugs failed $1 Trillion ago! This money could have been used for outreach programs to clean up the bad end of drug abuse by providing free HIV testing, free rehab, and clean needles. Harmless drugs like marijuana could be legalized to help boost our damaged economy. Cannabis can provide hemp for countless natural resources and the tax revenue from sales alone would pull every state in our country out of the red! Vote Teapot, PASS IT, and legalize it. Voice you opinion with the movement and read more on my artist’s blog at http://dregstudiosart.blogspot.com/2011/01/vote-teapot-2011.html
Steph

I don’t know if you are even aware of this but the movie is based on a book and in the book O does most of the things you complained about above. Although on second thought, based on your bad writing, I don’t think I would be remiss in assuming that you aren’t much of a reader. What a dumbass article.
- Ron
  
  What Steph said. Perhaps the author of the article kinda missed the point (and humor) in O asking for a toothbrush or salad?
  
  *SPOILERS BEGIN*
  I mean, how much does it need to be spelled out for you …. she’s a privileged white girl that has NO idea what she’s dealing with, and she’s been more or less perpetually high since the 8th grade. Elena basically says as much when they have dinner together (“Do all Americans talk like this?”). Ironically, by seeming so pathetic and clueless, O helps herself a bit in the end by appealing to Elena’s maternal instinct (Elena says, “Wow, my own daughter won’t even talk to me, but the girl I’m holding hostage and threatening to kill is.”) O is naive for most of the movie, but she’s not stupid (as her narration, in hindsight, reveals). She realizes that Elena is lonely, and is having dinner with her partially because O reminds Elena of the daughter she never sees. Through that little scene, O reveals to us (as the audience) that the same choke-hold Elena used on Ben and Chon (capture the one they love) is her own weakness, a double-edged sword.
  *END SPOILERS*
  
  So…actually, I thought it was one of the most darkly ironic and psychologically interesting hostage scenes I’ve seen in a recent movie. Oh, and in your brilliant and entertaining analysis of the film, all you can say is “I’ve never said “WTF” out loud more times during a film in my entire life.” Really? I’m pretty sure I said that more during the “Hurt Locker,” which had some of the most mind-blowingly unrealistic actions, plot-points, and depiction of military behavior I’ve ever seen (and it won Best Picture, of course). Try reviewing “Star Wars Episode III” next, I think you’re missing out on WTF moments in movies (actually, don’t bother, Red Letter Media already nailed that).
  
  I do not understand this film’s low score on Rotten Tomatoes. ~50%? WHAT?!?! I almost didn’t see it, but I’m glad I did, because it’s probably the only R-rated action movie I’ll see this summer with good acting, an enjoyable, tense, and gleefully macabre script, real explosions, real stunts, and REAL ****ing people with not a gawddamn CGI robot in sight. Why do you critics try and crucify such an entertaining and ballsy movie? Cuz it’s fun to hate what you evidently didn’t understand? If you’re going to critique, I would hope you at least *understood* what you watched, but based on your sensationalist review’s inability to comprehend what was going on with O’s hostage situation and its implications for the story as a whole, I think you’re just trying to increase your viewership. Yay for internet armchair critics who think they’re witty!
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5NEXYFPJAXTERDRLWK2SLVOBWM Big_Bear

Movies no longer need plots. The dumbed-down audience just wants explosions and nasty murders.
Anon

The problem is not Ophelia, it’s Blake Lively! I thought the character was well-written, albeit extremely exaggerated; however, Blake Lively’s whisper voice and ugly face make for a nasty combo, seriously. Really, she is the worst. I mean, I only say “the worst” simply to counter-balance the ridiculous amount of people saying she is so great. It just can’t be! And I used to think it was just the Ophelia character until I saw her in other roles. Nope. Apparently, she really DOES have a permanently-dumbfounded-looking face and talks with a perma-whisper. The breathy voice: it makes my blood boil with malcontent. And then she pronounces “S” like a soft “SH” sometimes. Between that and the faces she makes where her neck protrudes forward and her upper lip sticks out like donald duck, you kinda just wanna punch her in the face and knock the ugly right out of her.
rattta

I totally hated her, she is the worst “actress” out there or is she? she is Not an actress and probably O Stone was f……. her that is the only way I can explain having her in that film (it suuuucks)
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