Exclusive Breaking News: Cee Lo Green Is Pregnant

Science said it couldn’t be done, but Cee Lo Green laughed in the face of science as he revealed his 9-month pregnant belly at a show for the Fourth of July. Or at least I think he did. That can only really be a pregnant belly, right? I mean look at the way his breasts are swollen and gently lactating — there has to be a baby on the way. But I’m being told even now by my editor that it’s very unlikely that Cee Lo is pregnant with a human child. That one guy the Pregnant Man did it, but he was transitioning from female to male, so he still had all the lady parts, apparently. But since Cee Lo doesn’t, I guess there has to be another explanation.

Aha! I know what it is! Deep inside those walls of muscle and fat sleeps a food baby, slumbering peacefully among piles of fast food wrappers and jelly donuts, just waiting until the moment that he can enter the world and sleep on his dad’s lap during The Voice instead of that furry white cat.It may not be human, but this food baby definitely exists, and it’s going to make Cee Lo a very proud papa in the next month or so. Now I’m no scientist, but I took the liberty of using one of those facial prediction websites to find out what this kid is gonna look like. Obviously I can’t reproduce it here for privacy reasons, but I can describe it for you, and you can use the power of your imagination (or a sketch artist, if you have one handy) to put a face to this baby. Imagine the face of a hamburger with the eyes of a french fry and the smile of a hot fudge sundae, and that’s what we’re working with, here.

As far as names I’m thinking something strong and traditional, maybe ‘Yum’ or ‘Snack’. Although ‘Snack’ might not be the best option, because it could be confusing for Cee Lo if he were to wake up hungry and ask for a snack…that’s just asking for trouble. It’s all fun and games until Cee Lo eats his own food baby.

(Image: Crunk and Disorderly)

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