I am not exaggerating when I say that Alessandra Ambrosio is the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen. She’s a Victoria’s Secret model and there’s literally nothing wrong with her. I’m a straight female, but I don’t think I could count on two hands the number of hours I’ve spent examining pictures of her. She’s that attractive, you guys.
So when I see a picture of her strolling out in the world, I pick a nice spot on the couch, change into my comfy clothes and prepare for a long evening of gazing wistfully at a computer screen. Until — gasp! — I see this new photo of her walking around with her bichon-frise (which is a dog, but sounds like some sort of burnt lettuce dish that we might serve at the restaurant where I work). Walking a dog, you say? Well that sounds perfectly normal ogling behavior, why don’t you go ahead and ogle that picture, Alexis? But that was the moment that the first tiny rift in our relationship appeared, and here’s why:
Alessandra Ambrosio dyes her dog. I knew it. I knew this cruel world would never let someone like her and someone like me be together. Because I promised myself I’d never be with someone who could do something so ridiculous to an animal. And it’s not just one color, either. Alessandra dyed the body of the dog pink and its ears, feet, and tail purple. That’s a lot of effort to put into something this inherently dumb. And now she’s got PETA on her back, too, saying:
‘What most people don’t know is that dyeing an animal’s fur can cause the animal stress and can lead to complications or allergic reactions that endanger the animal’s health…our dogs and cats love us regardless of how we look; why not extend the same kindness to them?’
Touche, PETA. I mean I love you, Alessandra, but I think I need some time to sit and think about our relationship.