Seriously, just don't do it.
Jokes. Rule number one of being a legit celebrity: never even think about doing anything Heidi and Spencer would do. I haven't seen anyone roll a pair of shorts that many times since freshman year gym class.
(Photo: Hollywood Gossip)
When you do it, tacky. When they do it, adorable. Take advantage of the fact that people can only wear massive red white and blue hair bows and have it be socially acceptable AND cute for so long.
Seriously, just don't do it.
Okay so this picture wasn't actually taken on the Fourth of July, but it may as well have been, as this is how he's walked around on the Fourth of July since he was an infant. Matthew McConaughey treats every day like it's the Fourth of July. So today, make like Matthew and bare all.
(Photo: Sandwich John Films)
Celebs, especially low-level ones like Housewife Melissa Gorga and her protein power-filled hubby Joe Gorga, love to let us know how much they love each other. If you want to live like a celebrity, throw discretion out the window. Feigned discretion however, is a must. Post obnoxious makeout on the beach, definitely make a second scene about how you were so wrapped up in blissful spit-swapping that you didn't even realize anyone was watching.
As someone who has spent nearly all my Fourth of Julys at the Jersey Shore (the classy part, not Seaside), I must say there is nothing like spending the Fourth on a beach. Again, NOT Seaside. The last time I was there I walked behind a woman with a fairly graphic tattoo of a stripper on the back of each calf. If you're wondering what kind of people would actually have sex with the likes of these three...behold exhibit A.
But as a kid on Long Beach Island (my family's Jersey Shore spot of choice), sitting on a lounge chair on the roof and spotting the fireworks all around the island, I was pretty much living the life and I knew it. And of course, no beach side Fourth of July is complete without going down the beach to watch cops arrest people for shooting off fireworks. Sigh, the good old days. Anyway, if you're a celebrity, you obviously live on a coast, and Fourth of July = beach. There's just no way around it.
(Photo: C.Smith/ WENN.com)
Even though I surprisingly do not know any celebrities personally, I can't imagine the number one celebrityish thing to do on Fourth of July would be anything but this. We know Miley's too young and innocent to know that Corona needs a lime, but you guys know better.
If Holly Madison isn't the picture of the American dream I don' t know who is. Boobs as hard as rocks and sex with a man who needs extra-strength Viagra (do they make that?) to become so. I think Betsy Ross would be proud.
(Photo: Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
The Fourth of July is like any other day for a celebrity: tweeting is a must. Not only a cheerful "Happy Fourth of July everyone! Hugs and kisses for a most wonderful day of celebration for this amazing country I am blessed by God to live in. God bless America and all my tweeps!" but also pictures throughout the day, of your various barbeques and America-themed paraphernalia.
When it comes down to it, celebrity or not, Fourth of July is about 'Murca. And being with family and friends in celebration of the greatest country in the world (even if it is home to people like Holly Madison). The celebrities we actually want to be like, the Jennifer Garners and Ben Afflecks of the world? Those guys will be spending the holiday fighting off photogs and wishing their lives were a little bit more like ours.
The best way to pay homage to the celebrity way of celebration? Be with family and friends in paparazzi-less peace, and appreciate the fact that you aren't a celebrity.