It’s the 4th of July and I know everyone’s dying to get out there and celebrate, but there are some safety issues that we should all be aware of beforehand
- Be careful with your fireworks.
- Don’t drive drunk.
- Follow safe grilling procedures.
The first two issues are pretty self-explanatory, as they involve fire and death, but the third one can be a little confusing, so we thought we’d get Chris Brown to try to explain it to you.
You see, Chris Brown did not practice safe grilling this Independence Day. Instead, he showed up at a club in Hollywood on Monday with a mouth full of the ugliest grills I’ve ever seen.
I mean just look at them. It looks like gargled with molten gold and blood. What is going on there? Is the bottom row a different color than the top? Why is it red? What are you doing? (As you can see, I have a lot of questions about this.) Are they permanent? Can you still eat? Can you look at yourself in the mirror without cringing? Because I can’t.
Second of all, are grills even still a thing? I thought that was over back in the Nelly days. I don’t think I’ve seen a legit grill since 2004ish, but like many things I’d hoped never to see again (read: his career success), Chris seems to be leading the charge to bring them back onto my radar.
But before this becomes a trend — kids, this is what we want to avoid. When you have a dirty grill like this, you put yourself at risk for smoke inhalation, burns, and general ugliness. Think of all the things you can’t eat because they might spark up on your grills and burn your mouth down. You can’t eat aluminum foil, nickels, matchboxes, or lighter fluid…think of how much that limits your 4th of July plans. Also you can’t take any bitties home, because you’ll be too busy looking like Edward Scissormouth and the reflection of the fireworks on your teeth will frighten everyone away.
In short, don’t be like Chris this holiday season. Avoid small fires and make-out burns by keeping your mouth clean and metal-free. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted.