As you may know, Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Thomas are getting married tonight. (To each other.) What you may not know is that I have a source deep in the Baldwin camp who brings me secrets about their goings ons and doings and mutterings. I won’t tell you who it is, but it’s totally Alec’s daughter Ireland Baldwin. So anyway, as Ireland was rifling through her dad’s trash this morning, spying for secrets, amidst the wrappers for old rolls of quarters — little known fact: Alec chews quarters instead of gum — she found something a trifle more interesting than trash. She found Alec’s first draft of the vows that he’s going to say to Hilaria at the ceremony tonight. I know, right?!? And even better, she sent them right over to me and I now hold this precious document in my hands.
Now naturally I want to respect the privacy of these two the same way they’ve always respected mine, but these vows are so sweet and loving that I really don’t think Alec would mind if I printed them so we could all share a contented sigh and a single trickling tear down our cheeks. So here they are, in all their glory. Just remember that they’re still in draft form, like I said, so I know you’ll pardon any typos.
Dearest Hilaria. Thank you for coming to my wedding. (Pause for laughter.) No, you had to come. Well you didn’t have to, but we’re getting married, so I’m glad you did. (Pause for more laughter.) No but seriously, I’m glad you’re here. Moving on. I love you, Hilaria. I love you so much that I will do anything for you. If a photographer so much as looks at you, I will punch him in his photographer face. If someone messes up your Starbucks order, I will tweet the shit out of that Starbucks until none of my Twitter followers will go there anymore. If someone tells you you can’t play Words With Friends on a plane, I will get really indignant at them and anyone else who inconveniences
me youus by trying to do their job in our immediate vicinity. These are things I vow to you in my vows. I also vow never to point out that your name is almost the word ‘hilarious’ even though that’s an odd name and I just haven’t brought it up before now because I was really distracted by how good you are at yoga. Because you are very good at yoga. Thank you for being so good. I vow to be as good at keeping my temper as you are at yoga, and if I can’t do that, I vow to keep the DVR stocked with my most charmingest moments on 30 Rock so you can never remember to stay mad. And finally, I vow to inexplicably stay handsome even if I get older and gain weight, which my doctors tell me will almost certainly happen. Those were my vows, thank you for marrying me. Love, Alec Baldwin. Alec. Your Alec. Your husband. I love you. Love me. I am Alec. GODDAMNIT.
All our best wishes to the happy couple!