So this morning I woke up in a cold sweat. I lost my moral compass last night. Somewhere between my coke dealer’s house and my flop house, I dropped it. I just dropped it. I didn’t know how I could come into work today and start celebrity rumors without it. And then I found it. Hidden on the pages of Babble.com, right inside a Michelle Duggar quote about summer fashion morality. Thank you Duggar family for always reminding me about the many reasons I’m going to hell.
Momma Duggar writes in her blog about all the sinful temptations of summer. Like shorts and tank tops and other naughty inventions designed to keep heat stroke to a minimum. You won’t catch her little cherubs prancing around with their knees uncovered. Or their elbows hanging out for all the world to see.
Nope. She says, “[W]e don’t judge anyone that doesn’t have this perspective, but for us, we felt like we needed to be covered from our neck to below our knees mainly because God talks about the thigh being uncovered, and how that’s nakedness and shame.”
Exactly. God didn’t say go spend your money buying see-through crop tops at Forever 21. He said stick to classic stores like Chicos and Talbots. It is in those holy places that you always find a flattering long skirt and a modest turtleneck.
“But, what about the beach?” a prostitute such as yourself may ask. Well, they got that covered. By not going. Sure they’re allowed to swim. But only in private pools and ponds and lakes. The beach just offers to much temptation to her sons. Michelle says, “[I]t’s just too hard for the guys to try to keep their eyes averted in those situations.” Because one second they’re looking at cleavage and the next second they’re googling autoerotic asphyxiation. It happens that fast people.
And when they do dare to dip a toe in to the chlorinated waters of temptation, they make sure to don the appropriate swimwear. Think wet suit, but hotter. Not fashionably hotter. Literally hotter. Let’s take a look at some of the swimwear that Michelle Duggar approves for her family. Photo compliments of the online store Simply Modest Swimwear.
Don’t they look nice. And like they save a lot of money on sunscreen. Torsos take a whole lotta lotion and these fashionable swimsuits make it possible to completely ignore that entire area of the body.
So remember this summer to stay modest. Simply modest. Otherwise you’re a skank.
(Photo: Duggar Family)