How did I not know this? According to a new (albeit unauthorized) biography, the first love that Adele‘s been singing about on her Grammy-winning albums is a guy who left her for another guy. In his book Adele: The Biography, author Marc Shapiro describes an incident that took place on Adele’s 18th birthday:
“One thing we know is that it was a first love gone terribly bad…Adele had professed her love and he did the same, she had known he was bisexual but, in the rush of romance, felt they could make it work. Four hours after laying their emotional cards on the table, the boy ran off with one of Adele’s gay friends!”
Come on, man. You were dating Adele and you broke up with her?!? Do you have any idea how many gay guys would kill just to meet her, let alone date her? And you had to go and break her heart. You better hope her gay fan-base never finds out where you live, because they will be at your door like the villagers in Beauty and the Beast. I mean, seriously! This girl is a gay icon…the modern day Judy Garland! (On a sidenote, these are all substantiated facts from my own unauthorized autobiography of Adele called I Am Adele And This Is My Book About Myself. I really hope you read it.)
Apparently songs from both of her albums are inspired by the break-up, but specifically Hometown Glory and Daydreamer from her first album, 19. Well, as shitty as it must have been to get cheated on by your boyfriend with another friend who also happens to be a guy, at least we can agree that Adele won that break-up, and every other break-up that anyone in the world has ever had. Because let me tell you, the last time I was cheated on, I did not write an album and then sell 22 million copies of it, like Adele did with 21. And also when my songs come on in a bar, it’s because I’m doing karaoke and not because I’m the most unanimously liked artist in the history of right now. (More facts from my book.)
Bottom line, I’m not sure how to advise in this situation. If this was any normal person, I’d be like, “Hey girl, quit trying to date gay guys,” but this is Adele, so it’s tricky. Obviously I want her to find love and happiness…but I also want more soul-shaking, tear-jerking beautiful break-up music, so maybe I do want her to keep pursuing unattainable guys. I can’t make up my mind. Maybe I’ll just (gasp!) let her live her own life and go back to writing unauthorized biographies.
No but seriously, come out with a new album. Okaythanksbye.