The Bachelorette: It’s Time To Move It Or Lose It, Gentlemen

It is GO TIME on The Bachelorette, you guys. It is no joke. Next week is hometown visits, so the producers and the contestants alike are pulling out all the stops. This is the week where if you’re still on the show, you need to be exhibiting some serious signs of infatuation and total all-encompassing obsession, or you are outskies. I would bet money that the producers took the guys aside individually and encouraged them to drop some L-Bombs on Emily Maynard this week…because all of a sudden every single guy was talking love and marriage.

Let’s go back to the beginning. This week was filmed in Prague, and there were four dates up for grabs — three individual dates and one group date. I could pretend that we all went into this episode not knowing what was gonna happen, but that’s a lie, and here’s why: there are two guys who are significantly behind everyone else for two reasons. Doug is the only guy who hasn’t kissed Emily yet, and John is the only one who hasn’t been on a group date. Right off the bat at the end of last week’s episode, I could’ve told you that was tonight’s outcome. And I was right. But let’s go through the motions of an actual recap, even though it’s a facade because we’re all just waiting for Arie to win this whole thing already.

Arie gets the first one-on-one date, and the producers are struggling mightily to throw us off the trail of him winning, so they had to stir up some drama of his brief relationship with one of the show’s producers, Cassie Lambert. It was oh-so-scandalous that Arie hadn’t told Emily about it…it was a secret he was keeping from her, and Emily hates secrets! Nevermind that it was years ago and now Cassie’s engaged to someone named Pete, this was going to be an issue. Except that it wasn’t, because after some awkward footage of Cassie interviewing Emily about it, Emily finally just decided to ask Arie about it, and the three of them had a conversation about it off-camera. And now everything’s fine and Arie told Emily that he loves her. Obviously. Because they’re going to get married. I meannnn…I have no idea who’s going to win, please continue to watch every week and read my recaps.

John got the second one-on-one date, and it actually went really well and he revealed things about himself and blah blah blah…it was just too little too late. John acted how I would act on this show — supremely fucking weird and guarded. There’s absolutely no logical reason to open up to someone who’s actively dating other people and doing so on television, so John didn’t. Which makes him a normal human but a very poor reality show contestant, so he went home.

The group date was Sean, Chris, and Humble Doug, and it doesn’t matter what they did because we only have three things to talk about:

  1. How crazy is Chris?
  2. How is it possible that someone as hot as Sean is such an obviously bad kisser?
  3. Emily don’t need no Rose Ceremony to kick a bitch off the show.

These items have been touched on before, but never to the extent they deserve. Chris has lost his mind. I see it, the other guys see it. The only person who doesn’t see it yet is Emily, but I think she’ll come around soon, especially after quotes from Chris like, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for anyone around me.” How sweet! As far as Sean, he just needs to pull it together and get better at making out. End of story. And Doug…oh, poor Doug. Emily figured out mid-date that she didn’t want him around anymore, and one of my favorite things about her is that she has absolutely no problem eliminating guys at nontraditional times. A Rose Ceremony? What’s that? When I’m done with you — YOU COULD GO. I love it. Doug went home for not opening up early enough or making a move on her. I liked him early on, and he was in my BroSquad, but I don’t mind seeing him go for a legitimate reason. As he said himself, “[his] girl radar is just totally broken”, as evidenced by the fact that he leaned in and gave Emily a peck on the lips mid-conversation…before he realized that the conversation was about her sending him home. Whomp whomp.

Final one-on-one date was with Jef, who’s nice and sweet and stuff, but who seems pretty young to be a husband or a dad. They played with marionettes — which Jef used as a crutch to tell Emily he loved her — and laid down on the floor of a library together. Sweet, but not very adult. Emily keeps talking about how she can’t read him, and feels like she’s pursuing him, so I’m interested to see how the hometown date with him goes.

The only other thing to mention is the fact that Emily didn’t want a cocktail party this evening, because she’d already made up her mind. Of course, that didn’t stop Crazy…I mean Chris, from tearfully taking her aside and apologizing for acting so crazy all week. Honestly, I never thought I’d say this, but I wish she’d kept John and not Chris, because I’m getting some very distressing vibes from Chris. He said himself he’s at a boiling point, and I don’t particularly care to see what happens when family gets involved. But I’m gonna! And so are you! So tune in next week to see these strange-os in their home environments.

And let’s also note that of the four guys getting hometown dates — Sean, Jef, Arie, and Chris — I predicted THREE of them from the first episode. Eat it, haters.

(Image: tvfanatic.com)

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