• Sat, Jun 23 2012

Fantasy Flashback: A Letter From A Pregnant Kris Jenner To Her Unborn Baby Kim Kardashian

Two peas in a pod! They even match!

Dear Unborn Baby Kim:

As I sit here dreaming about your future, I’m filled with glee. I’m so lucky to be pregnant with my second child! I think, in keeping with our “K” theme, Kimberly will be the most perfect name for the child I’m bound to love best. As I gently rub my belly and sing you lullabies, I can already feel the deep connection we will have throughout our lives together. I want you to know now, I didn’t feel this for your older sister, Kourtney. With her, I felt pretty much nothing — I fear she may grow up to be an airhead.

I have big goals for you, my love. While I can’t see the future clearly as I’m not psychic, I do see a sparkly road ahead for you. I see fame and fortune! I see sex tapes and fake marriages! I see clothing lines, celebrity appearances in which we will overcharge and mostly I see love for you — lots and lots of false love at the expense of other people’s hearts. We are Kardashians, my sweet fetus! All others will have to be tossed under the first oncoming bus in order for us to succeed and leave our lasting legacy on the world. Generations after we’re long gone, people will still be talking about us, because we will have taken the world by storm! We’re a gorgeous hurricane that wrecks havoc on everything we touch!

First, we’ll get you an education at Marymount High School. Upon graduation, we will thumb our noses at college, because college is for the “little” people who do not have our abundance of money. Who needs brains when you have looks and cash to buy your way through life, my child? I realize you may not understand this concept now, but you will someday.

After your first marriage, we will orchestrate a sex tape. It may seem a bit sleazy at first, but in America a sex tape is just how things are done. Before “leaking” it to the world, we will make sure it’s perfect for the consumption of the public. If this means more than one take, then so be it. This, my sweet Kim, will be your first foray into being exploited. Don’t worry, it will become second nature in no time! We will pretend to be angry, file lawsuits, make a fuss, claim you’ve been violated, then just settle for $5 million. It will be a fair amount, because you did put a lot of hard work into it. It’s not easy to have sex in front of the camera, but again, this is something that will become second nature.

I will make sure that you’re only surrounded by the classiest of people. The Hiltons are a classy lot and I think that being friends with their daughters will not only help solidify you as a serious and important socialite, but since they’re a bit more famous than us at this stage in the game, it will help to “up” your social and celebrity standing.

In order to truly make money off the stupid public, the next step in my master plan is to brand our name with a such material things like clothing and perfume. Obviously every young girl will want to wear the clothes you didn’t design, but put your name on! Your sisters, (although I do not love them as much as I love you as I feel you and I are on the same page, and that fucking Khloe whom I’ve yet to conceive is going to have morals and shit), will be part of this venture just so it looks like you’re not entirely the star. Although, both you and I will know that you are.

I also think that we will need you to get married again. Not for love, because what is love anyway? We will have you woo, seduce and marry an innocent man. You will make him fall in love with you, then we’ll sell the rights to photo opportunities and video of the event to publications and a TV network. We will document all of this with a reality show — something I’m sure that will exist in the future because the stupid public are a bunch of gawking voyeurs — and have your marriage crumble. The day my book comes out (yes! I plan to write a book even though I have a third-grade reading level! Thank god for ghostwriters!), you will file for divorce. It will be glorious! The idiot public will not know that it was all a lie, and if anyone suspects it, we’ll both turn on the waterworks and claim that your husband was “mean” and unsupportive of your career — you’re admirable career as a, well, a businesswoman? OK, that’s makes sense: a businesswoman. My daughter Kim the businesswoman!

As the divorce proceedings go on and your now ex-husband tries to tarnish our good name, we’ll make sure you stay in the spotlight at all times. Whether it be “leaking” nude photos of yourself fucking your new “love” or simply saying really dumb things about things of which you know nothing, it will all be pertinent in keeping our name, our brand, and our legacy alive!

Ooh! What’s that, my baby girl? Did I just feel a little kick? Oh, my sweet one, you agree with all this! I knew you would. So sleep, my darling, and when I pop you out in October we’ll move forward with the master plan. I love you, Kim. You really are my favorite which will become even more obvious once we start working on that sex tape. You can always tell a mother’s true love for their daughter, when she chooses her out of the rest of her sisters to star in a low-budget, “homemade” porn.

Love always,

Your mom, Kris

 

Photo: TNYF/WENN

You can reach this post's author, Amanda Chatel, on twitter.
What We're Reading:
Share This Post: