This week, Kim Kardashian found herself embroiled in her first sex scandal since last week. Of course, last week, it was rumored that Kanye West tweeted a naked picture of Kim Kardashian. Turns out, it was just a porn star.
Though, the difference between Kim Kardashian and a porn star is very small. It’s basically that most porn stars don’t have clothing lines. Other than that they’re pretty much the same. For example, in porn and on Keeping Up With the Kardashians a story line might be that the cable is out. “Hi, my name’s Rick. I’m here to fix the cable,” is either the least exciting moment from a porn, or the most exciting moment during a season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
This week, sources are reporting that the sex tape that was released in 2003 featuring Kim K and Ray J was staged by her mother, Kris Jenner. TMZ is reporting that Kris Jenner advised Kim to shoot the tape and then reshoot it when the first one wasn’t good enough.
Now, of course, everybody is very upset at the idea of a mother staging a sex tape for her daughter. But, I think that’s a stupid thing to be upset about because this is the Kardashians. Let’s not forget that. If their show has taught us anything, it’s that when the Kardashians whore themselves out for fame, they do it as a family. So, really this whole thing makes a lot of sense. It’s practically their family tradition. Would I judge your family for having a hot dog eating contest on the fourth of July? No, I wouldn’t. So, let’s not judge this time-honored Kardashian family tradition.
The only real scandal in this whole scandal is that along with the revelation that Kris Jenner staging the sex tape comes the implication that the sex tape is staged. I thought it was real the whole time!
My friends and I always had long arguments about this very subject. “How much of this sex tape do you think is scripted? I mean, do you think they have producers who craft the story arc of this tape to make it seem more real even though it’s really a highly planned out, highly produced piece of entertainment that still somehow ends up being terrible.” And the answer was always, “No! The tape is real!” And, that’s what I believed up until yesterday: that tape. as far as I was concerned, was reality.
How dare Kris Jenner. I was under the impression Kim’s sex tape was an honest cinematic sexual event. Turns out I’ve been lied to. Normally, when I watch a sex tape, it has to be as spontaneous as it possibly can be because real sex is always hotter.
I want all the porn I watch to be as real to life as possible. That’s why I only watch videos of frumpy husbands and homely wives humping quietly under the covers for five silent minutes before they both fall asleep preorgasm and wake up five hours later with drool beading from their faces as they lift their heads from their pillows just in time to make breakfast and take the kids to school. You know, that hot, real-life stuff.
So, I’m done with Kim Kardashian. Unless, of course, someone finds out that this revelation of a staged sex tape was staged. In that case, this whole article was staged.