We’re used to people claiming to be ex-lovers or estranged family members of celebrities. So already we’re taking this lawsuit from a man allegedly named Jonathan Jolie with a grain of salt. Jonathan wants to get a temporary restraining order against his supposed cousin Angelina Jolie‘s life partner Brad Pitt, because of the following chain of events:
• His Holiness Pope Benedict went all James Bond and gave Jonathan a mission.
• That matter of worldwide importance? Stop Brad from joining the Church of Scientology.
• Jonathan went down to Florida, only to find Brad already in the grips of Scientology superstar John Travolta.
• Then these celebrity besties hogtied Jonathan and dumped him in the Gulf of Mexico, where he got bitten by a fish.
But there’s more! In his court documents, Jonathan describes himself as sounding an awful lot like Paul Bettany‘s albino Opus Dei assassin from The Da Vinci Code, and he claims that Brad and John are secret lovers who roleplay as characters from an ’80s sitcom.
Wait. I am just not doing this story justice. I need to let Jonathan tell it himself:
“I take it personal because if Brad Pitt becomes a Scientologist, he will brainwash his Scientology beliefs on my cousin Angelina Jolie which means the Jolie seeds will be infected and our bloodline ruined as I am also albino by birth and marksman at night and Pope Benedict called me into his secret chamber and told me Brad Pitt must be stopped immediately.
“[Brad and John Travolta] were holding hands and in disguise as the 80′s sitcom Perfect Strangers were…and I shouted out ‘halt…. you do not disobey Lord Pope Benedict’ and Brad begged me not to tell Angelina because this conversion she did not know, it was to be kept a hidden secret, and Angelina Jolie also was not aware of Brad Pitt and John Travolta’s affair with each other and I had a sword in my car, and body armour and put it on, and I told Brad Pitt I will fight to the death and you will not enter the Scientology building.”
THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE READ ALL DAY. AND IT’S ONLY NOON.