In case you weren’t aware of the depths that reality television has fallen to, a new show premiered last night called Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp. I know what you’re thinking, and I wish there was something I could do to make all this go away, but I can’t. Yes, it’s that Bristol Palin, eldest daughter of that Sarah Palin. A daughter who is famous for getting pregnant at age seventeen and a mother who is famous for being unimpressively vetted and impressively ignorant. What’s not to love?
Answer: everything. Everything is not to love. Bristol’s son is named Tripp — which is why we get that clever pun right in the name of the show — but the first episode had very little to do with mothering. There were a lot of ‘contented baby’ shots where Tripp is filmed sitting quietly on his mom’s lap while she talks about much more important things like shopping and how selfish her younger sister Willow is. The show is a great way to show teens that being a young mother isn’t very difficult, as long as you can ignore the spiteful words of all the haters and focus on what really matters; in this case, moving to LA. Here are some other pieces of parenting advice that I gleaned from watching the show:
When moving to a new place with a toddler (such as LA), make sure to bring a sibling along with you for the sole purpose of babysitting your child while you’re at work…or out at night riding a mechanical bull. Make sure to bring your family’s least popular member (Will0w), so that no one in Alaska will miss her once she’s gone to LA.
As a bonus piece of advice, teach your child that it’s okay to quit his job by texting, especially if your boss has been good to you in the past. Make sure your son knows the Golden Rule, “Treat others as you would wish yourself to treat them if you didn’t give twelve shits.”
Before you leave on a long trip (no pun intended), be sure to get some advice from grandma! She’s like a double-mom, so she’s extra knowledgeable. In this case, Grandma Sarah Palin had some great advice for Bristol and her unpaid babysitter, Willow: make sure you read to Tripp every night. Yup, that’s it. That’s all you need to do to be a good mother. Just put a book in front of your face and say the words out loud, and your son will grow up to be proud, strong, and Alaskan.
Remember, if you’re ever out having fun and someone calls your mother a whore, don’t panic! The best thing to do when you get criticized is to find out if the person is a homosexual. If they are, that’s wonderful news, because it means that person doesn’t count as a human being and his or her views are automatically invalid. Even if your baby isn’t with you at the time, this is a very important lesson to get through to him, so make sure to be exclusively homophobic in his presence so that he catches on quickly.
And finally, we all know that there are set roles in every household. Bristol is a single mother, so unfortunately there’s no one around to discipline Tripp, as that’s the man’s job! When you don’t have a big strong man around, you don’t have to discipline your child. Instead you can just pick him up and hold him when he’s having a temper tantrum. The louder he screams, the better you know it’s working. Another excellent tip is to make sure to introduce your child to any and every transient male passing through your life. It’s good for him to form and break attachments at will, so he learns that most people will leave him and not care about him. This will make him a well-rounded, adult human full of kindness and respect for all god’s creatures.
Or else the opposite of all of this and Bristol’s not a great mother or a great person and I could barely watch the first episode because it hurt my heart for this poor little baby who’s gonna grow up a Palin no matter what we do.