I never thought I’d say this, but there’s almost too much crazy on The Real Housewives of New York City right now. I never realized it before, but in order to watch it without completely despairing for humanity, there has to be at least one normal person to work as a foil against the crazy ladies so that I can remember that the universe has some order to it. Without that person, it’s hard to remember if they’re the crazy ones or if I am. To give myself (and you guys) a little perspective, I’m gonna rank each Housewife on the Crazy Scale from 1-6, with six being the least crazy, and one being the most crazy.
Coming in at Number Six, we have my last hope — Heather Thomson. I haven’t seen enough of Heather yet to be sure, but I think she may actually not be totally crazy. I mean yeah, she’s loud and chatty and she doesn’t always accurately predict the ‘tone’ of the situation she’s in — aka casually bringing up her father’s death during an otherwise lighthearted meeting for cocktails — but I think she’s a good person at heart, and she likes to treat people well. So I’m optimistic for her, but I’m pretty much throwing in the towel on the rest of them.
Number Five is currently LuAnn de Lesseps, who for a brief time I also believed to be normal, until she started to get all scary gossipy like the rest of them. In her defense, she’s been on the show for a while now, so it’s possible that some of their crazy has actually rubbed off on her. But that doesn’t explain away her singing career or the fact that she announced to her daughter last night that she wants to have a baby with Jacques…now…at age 47, when she already has two teenagers. I guess that’s not super crazy it’s just odd. But the way she’s been going around behind people’s backs dropping gossip bombs and then scooting off again definitely makes her crazier than Heather, just not the craziest.
Number Four I’m calling as Carole Radziwill, even though I think she’s still flying under the radar and is probably crazier than she seems. Last night Carole revealed that she can’t commit to anything without an expiration date and that she “only flirts with married men when their wives are sitting right next to them.” Oh, oh good. She went out to dinner with Ramona and Mario and tried to split a beer with him, borrowed his glasses to see the menu, and smelled his neck. All while asking how he and Ramona could possibly still be in love after twenty years together. It was pretty embarrassing. She hasn’t really done anything all that crazy, which is why she’s only #3, but she says a lot of crazy shit, so Carole — you’ve earned it! Also she has a former model friend who does ‘face yoga’, so.
Number Three is Sonja Morgan, who I’m actually surprised isn’t closer to the top spot. It’s not like I really need to convince anyone of how crazy this lady is, but she was actually one of the milder ones this week. She at least doesn’t talk behind peoples’ backs all that much…instead she just makes me sad with the way she talks about herself and her ideas. She wants to start a catering company called ‘Sonja in the City’, and simultaneously produce a toaster oven under the brand of ‘Sonja Home’. To that end, she met with both Heather and Ramona this week to talk about her business plans and get some advice, but she didn’t even think to bring paper and a pen to either meeting. When Ramona started giving her information about getting an Employee Identification Number, Sonja pulled out a newspaper to take notes on. It’s not so much crazy as it is delusional. Regardless, not fun to watch. She just doesn’t seem self-aware in the way that I would hope an adult would know how to be, and I have a feeling that she’s gonna throw money upon money upon money at her projects and they’re just never gonna work out.
Now I come to an issue, because I’m not sure who is crazier between Ramona Singer and Aviva Drescher. I didn’t think it would ever come to this, because I thought Ramona was the craziest person ever, but here I find myself. As crazy as Ramona is, she gave Sonja some really good advice this week about her businesses, and even though she talked behind LuAnn and Heather’s backs, she didn’t have any blow-ups at anyone. Plus she’s a known crazy. You know what’s gonna set her off (anything), and what she’s gonna ask for to calm herself down (Pinot Grigio). But Aviva is another story. This is her first season, so we’ve barely scraped the surface of her personality so far. You know what? Enough talk. I’m going for it.
Ramona Singer is Number Two. I decided it, and I’m sticking to it. She’s the reigning queen of flipping out, but she at least has friendships and loyalties within the group of women, and I’ve seen her behave for long enough that I know what I’m getting into.
But Aviva Drescher, you are a different story. You are Number One, and oh holy hell — you are a crazy bitch. You act calm, and you’re married, and you have four kids, so the facade is that you have your shit together, but you really really don’t. During last night’s episode we watched Aviva go from situation to situation bringing gossip with her, trying to start drama, and getting Ramona riled up, which everyone should know better than to do. Aviva described herself with the words “phobic” and “neurotic” when explaining that she has, like, HazMat and disaster prevention materials at home. We’re talking gas masks and Cipro. This bitch doesn’t let her husband wear a wedding ring because she thinks it will make women more likely to hit on him, until the other girls get her to admit that it’s because she herself would have been attracted to him if she’d met him and he’d been married. Then the next day, based on what the girls told her, she’s out buying him a wedding band. This bitch changed her son’s name when he was four months old and wanted to change her daughter’s name, too, but her husband wouldn’t let her. She’s Carole’s self-described ‘Super Fan’. She can’t go to a rooftop bar without summoning her husband to her side to assuage her fear of heights. The list goes on and on, but bottom line: bitch be crazy.
So there’s my Crazy Scale. I’m sure it will change next week after one more Housewife has sex with the apparently irresistible Harry with the magic penis.