A Brooklynite’s Take On Girls‘ Brooklyn Locations

This party was supposed to take place on Bushwick Pl. near Johnson Ave., which, as anyone who lives in Brooklyn knows, puts it square in the middle of McKibbin Lofts territory. I lived in those infamously bed bug-y lofts the summer of my 20th year, and it cost me $400/month. Now, it costs like $850. Would you pay $850/month to live in a room you have to climb up a ladder and through a little hobbit door to get to? Ugh, I feel old.

Anyway, it's a good enough fit for the show, because it's where you live if you're still in college and/or sad college is over. And there are still lots of parties there. But I've never seen anyone smoke crack at any of them, because hipster kids don't do crack, not even ironically. They do coke. They don't even know where to get crack.

This is where Shoshanna runs to after her crackcident. It's about a 20 minute walk from the party (I guess crack gives you lots of endurance!), and tends to be totally desolate at night. This means she either doesn't know Brooklyn well enough to know which direction is the "safe" one to run in, or she's on too much crack to remember. Probably the latter, as Shoshanna seems very concerned with potential dangers.

There are, indeed, a lot of these around. But I've never been inside of one, because I don't have enough money to hang out at the bank or wherever it is the people who live there hang out. Which is a shame, because I could really use a friend with a hot tub.

Now I am the one who is sorry, but that's way too prime a piece of waterfront real estate for Adam to get through the whole corny thing without being arrested for graffiti. Which is ironic, considering "proximity to graffiti" seems to be the douche-rises' main selling point. (See last slide.)

I used to occasionally bring my laptop here to do work or send out job applications. The girls who work here really do wear cute tops and skinny pants. (What else is one supposed to wear to work at a coffee shop?) Also, they have good coffee and a nice selection of snacks, and are not grumpy at all. Certainly not as grumpy as Ray.

Hannah and Marnie's spacious India Street apartment is the least realistic representation of Brooklyn I've seen on the show thus far. This part of Greenpoint is expensive, guys! I was recently apartment hunting myself, and a place like this costs at least $1800/month, probably more. Marnie might be able to afford her half of the rent on her ~$30,000/year salary, but unless she's got a secret trust fund (which is possible, I guess), there's no way she'd be able to cover Hannah's half for even one month. Non-rich recent college grads who want to live in Greenpoint live way up Nassau by the sewage treatment plant, an area my friends and I have dubbed "Greenpoint Heights." Same underground oil spill, lower prices.

This is where Hannah gets all tired and angry after her not-very-long jog with Adam. It's five blocks from her apartment. Hannah is in terrible cardiovascular shape! Maybe she should try some crack.

Do you know how hard it is to get from Greenpoint to Prospect Heights using public transit? Hannah must really like Adam if she's constantly going there just to say hi to his penis. Conversely, it also explains why Adam is always at Hannah's house later in the season. Even if you have a bicycle (the best way to get between the two places), Pro-Hi lies up a very long and steep hill. Come to think of it, that might not be a bad way for Hannah to get in shape, assuming the crack doesn't work.

Hannah says she dislikes this bar for its hoity-toity-ness. On the one occasion I managed to bike all the way there for a drink, I found it to be refreshingly unpretentious despite its mustachioed "mixologists." And the drinks were delicious! A little on the expensive side, though.

This is a fancy neighborhood for rich people and their children. It's really nice and really boring, and makes me think Lena Dunham does not like to party nearly as much as her character does. The closest "cool" neighborhood is DUMBO, and DUMBO hasn't actually been cool since the '90s. This makes me think Lena was only pretending to be a hipster to make everyone mad, when actually, she likes purebred dogs and fine wainscotting and playing bridge with old ladies. Like I said: laughing all the way to the bank.