OMG. There’s talk. There’s talk in the hallways, everyone. Put your ears to the ground and listen to the twitterings…they’re talking about a Spice Girls documentary. And soon! It would be a ninety-minute piece to coincide with the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever! Great! Wonderful! This sounds like a terrific idea! I’d love to see Baby, Sporty, Scary, Ginger, and Posh again, talking about the good old days! There’s only one problem…Victoria Beckham — of Posh Spice fame — won’t sign off on it. Apparently she was similarly resistant on a project back in 2001, and she’s one of the only things holding this one back now. I don’t know if it’s because she’s busy with the new baby, or the fashion line, or what, but instead of doing my research on it, I decided to just invent some reasons. Wanna hear them? Yeah? Well good, because you’re about to — here are the Top Ten Reasons Victoria Beckham Doesn’t Want A Spice Girls Documentary:
1. Until now, she was pretty sure that Spice World was a documentary…
2. All the Botox that she’s had done in her face has actually had the reverse effect that it has on other women – mobilizing the muscles in her cheeks and forehead, enabling her to smile and thus completely ruining her brooding image.
3. Baby Spice ‘Benjamin Button-ed’ and has now completely disappeared.
4. Since she lives in the United States now, Posh is contractually obligated to change her name to ‘Fancy Spice’.
5. They’ve been concealing it for years, but Ginger Spice was actually brutally murdered by Destiny’s Child in a fatal lip synch contest.
6. The camera adds ten pounds, which would bring Victoria in at a hefty forty-eight pounds, the fattest she’s been since she accidentally ate a whole strand of spaghetti in 2006.
7. Harper told her everyone’s already over the Spice Girls.
8. She cant’ actually remember the fifth member of the group. (It’s Sporty Spice.)
9. If she’s out of the house for too long during filming, she’s afraid her sons Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz will get into her closet and poop in her shoes.
10. She’s waiting for the Queen to ask.
And that’s that. It’s pretty much 99% confirmed that it’s one of those reasons that’s keeping Posh from the project, so consider yourself enlightened.