• Fri, Jun 15 2012

A Guy Says: Drake Won the Fight With Chris Brown

Think you know what happened in the Chris Brown and Drake fight this week? Think again.

While I was out at 5:00 in the morning a couple days ago, I was walking outside of a bar, about to give a few dollars and a hug to a homeless man — I hug homeless people in my free time — when I almost got hit in the head with two bottles.  Thankfully, I ducked both.  One hit the homeless man in the chest.  He was elated because he could collect the bottles and get money from their deposit.

The other hit Chris Brown who, on the other hand, was not happy.  It was either because I asked him for an autograph or because he was bleeding from the face.  Or at least that’s how the Chris Brown and Drake brawl happened in my imagination.

In the aftermath of the brawl, Chris Brown tweeted a picture of a cut on his chin.  I’ll assume he was doing this to illustrate to the world how big of a tough guy he is.  This didn’t really work because later a picture of his bodyguard came out, and that guy’s cut was gigantic, and ran across his forehead.

Rule number one in post-fight picture sharing: don’t show off a picture of your injury when someone else’s injury is way more awesome.  When I get in fights, and as a Jewish comedy writer who can bench 25 lbs. I get into fights all the time, I never show off my hangnails when there’s a guy with bones sticking out of his fingers next to me.

Otherwise, let me also say this is progress for Chris Brown.  I know he’s had a history of violence, but this really is a sign of growth because he did it in Rihanna’s honor, or at least that’s what’s being said.

We all know that the step after hitting your significant other during recovery from an instance of domestic abuse is hitting someone else because of that person.  After that is refraining from violence altogether.  So, anybody saying Chris Brown shouldn’t be hitting anybody anymore, don’t worry, he’s going to get there.   It’s like when you’re an alcoholic.  The step after hitting rock bottom is always starting to do drugs after which you finally stop using all substances.

On the other hand, Drake started the whole thing by pointing his middle finger all over the place and saying some choice words to Chris Brown.  After he did that he just backed away and let everyone else take the fists and bottles to the face for him.

You have to applaud Drake for this.  He’s a celebrity and getting hit in the face with a bottle and losing a nose and two eyes just isn’t something he can afford.  What he can afford is having his bodyguard hit in the face with shattered glass because he can afford to hire another bodyguard.

“Oh, his injuries where so severe that he can’t come back to work because of the fight that I started?  Well, thank God it wasn’t me,” Drake might have said.

Plus, the fight he started caused Chris Brown to be hit.  And Chris Brown’s deserved to be hit for the past couple of years.  Or at least, tripped during one of his dance routines.   So, I’m declaring Drake can be declared the winner of this round.

Though like a boxing match, when Rihanna finishes walking around the ring in a bikini, holding the round number, the fight will start all over again.

You can reach this post's author, Harry Barron, on twitter.
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  • FUCK HARRY BARRON

    Dear write of this shitty article, God will sure burn you in the hottest hell.
    Won’t you, bitchy media, ever stop making Chris Brown look bad, you sons of bitches? Yes I call you moms bitches ‘coz they didn’t raise you right, they raised you on keeping on hating someone who did a mistake years ago (hitting rihanna). Chris might have psychological issues like anger problem, but he’s the most respectful person on earth, unlike you (harry, drake…etc) who are healthy but having complete DEVILS inside them. Drake -the insect- is the only one to blame and he must be sued and must be exposed in media to show his real awkward personality to the world, but no.. yall cunts are STILL leaving what he did and only sticking in Chris’s part and screwing facts.
    This part -> “And Chris Brown’s deserved to be hit for the past couple of years” shows me what a pig you are. You are the one who deserves to be burnt and punched to death, you son of slut.
    You’re mom is a complete slut that’s why u grew up on loving sluts like Rihanna.
    But guess what, douchebag? God is there, and what goes around comes back around.
    I will pray God everyday to give u the worst cancer ever.

  • mo better blues

    its a booger in his noise

  • Tammie D

    Chris is human like everyone of us who is quick to judge him! I would be made also if everytime I look there’s a camera, iphone, or any recording device up in my face! Let him live his life and spend his MONEY the way he wants! He can pay for another phone, that girl should n’t have done something as stupid as to get all in his face and take a picture! She disrespected him so he disrespected her back!