• Sat, Jun 9 2012

Lindsay Lohan, What Have You Got In Your Pocketses? And Why Are You Hiding It From The Police?

A face only a mugshot could love.

Oh girl come on.

We told you yesterday that Lindsay Lohan crashed her car into a semi-truck, which is a mistake that could happen to anyone, as semi-trucks are notoriously small and silent, and even when you’re right beside them, you often have no idea they’re even there. Oh I’m sorry, I was talking about ants. Semi-trucks are the opposite. They are loud and noisy and most of us don’t rear end them. Like…come ON, girl! You ran into the back of a semi? What are you doing with your life? What kind of crack are you smoking that makes a semi look like an open road? Get. Effing. Real.

Anyway. That’s not the real news. You know all that already. What you may not have known is that Lindsay’s people apparently tried to bribe the truck drive into dropping the matter. According to TMZ, Lindsay’s people bribed the driver of the truck not to press charges!

Apparently Lindsay was being followed by an Escalade being driven by someone associated with Liz and Dick, her Lifetime movie. After the crash, that driver got out of his car and herded Lindsay and her male assistant out of her Porsche and into his Escalade. Having already called 911, and worried that she was trying to flee the scene (a trick she learned recently from Amanda Bynes), the truck driver approached tried to approach Lindsay, who — and this is my favorite part — he didn’t recognize. He says he saw the assistant take a pink bag out of the car, fill it with something, and then place clothing on top of it, as if to hide it. He kept trying to reach Lilo, to exchange information with her, but instead he was approached by the driver of the Escalade, who he claims bribed him not to press charges, offering to ‘go to the bank’ and get some cash. According to the truck driver, James:

“[Her assistant] and the [driver of the Escalade] took me across the street and told me this was some kind of famous person and they didn’t want to be in the media. But I’d already called 911 because they were trying to get away from the scene. But they packed a bag and then the limousine driver told me, ‘Don’t mention the bag to the cops.’”

Oh really, Lindsay? Oh reeeeeally? Don’t tell the cops about the bag, huh? So what’s in it? What’s in this mysterious bag that it’s so important that the police not find? I mean I have my own suspicions (Horcrux), but it could be any number of things: bath salts, tambourines, Dina Lohan, deflated volleyballs, Amelia Earhart’s freckle cream, Lindsay’s old teeth, the Gutenberg Bible, scrunchies, or Elizabeth Taylor‘s virginity, that Lindsay’s just been carrying around for research.

There’s really no way to know. But just to be clear, any of those items I listed could still totally be Horcruxes. (Or Portkeys!) Just so we can all agree that I’m probably definitely right about this one.

(Images: patdollard.com, nydailynews.com)

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  • Nancy

    Wow, if Elizabeth Taylor’s viginity were a Portkey where do you think it’d take you?

    • Jenni Maier

      Most thought-provoking question I’ve seen all week. Give me some time to think.