• Fri, Jun 8 2012

Your Official Guide To The North American ‘Himbo’…Aka Why Taylor Kitsch Will Never Be Famous

The Daily Beast has a new post about Hollywood Himbos.

Wait. Pause.

What what whaaaat is a ‘himbo’, you might ask? Why, it’s the male version of a ‘bimbo’! You know, a hot guy with nothing going on mentally. Basically the male version of a Barbie. A Ken, if you will. A super good-looking guy, typically with a stupidly sexy body, with approximately nothing going on inside his headbrain. The example that Urbandictionary.com gives is Kevin Federline…presumably from before he went to ChubTown.

But that’s the thing about himbos! Their power must not be underestimated! That particular K-Fed himbo wormed his way into Britney Spears‘ life! For long enough to marry her and have two kids with her. And Britney was still pretty hot shit at the time, so that’s a significant case of ‘himbo haze’. Which is a term I just made up to describe the delirious affects that dating a himbo can have on a regular human.

The article in The Daily Beast was talking about celebrity himbos — guys who aren’t necessarily dumb, but who made some ‘off’ movie choices and have now faded into obscurity. The guys they referenced were Taylor Kitsch, Ryan Phillippe, James Marsden, Josh Hartnett, and Freddie Prinze Jr., but Freddie Prinze was the light of my life growing up, so it hurts the precious to see his name slandered like that. I’d rather focus on the real-life himbos who surround us in real life, whom were are so woefully unprepared to deal with.

Let me start out by saying, unless you yourself are a bimbo (and if you are, more power to you), then himbos are not for dating. Himbos are for one night stands. Repeat that back to me: himbos are for one night stands. They are not for you to attempt to date. They may be tirelessly devoted like small himbo puppies, attempting to please you, but don’t be fooled. At the end of the day, the himbo doesn’t want to go to your apartment and discuss your shared life plans over a glass of wine. He wants to go home, get high, play some video games, and end the day with a workout and a nice healthy staring contest between his eyes and his abs in the mirror.

So how do you avoid getting sucked in by a himbo? Having recently emerged from a himbology experiment myself, I am qualified to speak authoritatively on the subject.  The trick to unmasking the North American Himbo is luring him into conversation early, so you can discover his un-enticing lack of intellect before the himbo haze caused by his ridiculous body descends before your eyes and turns you into a nodding, smiling, compromising version of yourself. The problem is, many himbos are (just barely) too smart for this. They stay silent and seemingly mysterious until you’ve had one too many drinks and suddenly you’re waking up at your apartment and he’s there too.

And himbos are like vampires — once you invite one into your home, it’s over. He’s in. You make excuses for the interior of his brain because you enjoy the exterior of his body too much. After he makes a comment about not knowing who Mitt Romney is, you think, “Oh he made a joke! He can’t be a himbo because he made a funny joke!” No he didn’t. He made a statement and it was so stupid that it sounded like a joke. He made himself a joke! Stay with me, Alexis! Don’t follow the light!

But by then it’s usually too late. You are in the himbo’s clutches, and you will stay there until the haze wears off. And unfortunately there’s really no knowing when that will be. Sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes years. Then one day you wake up and say…I am an intelligent, attractive, interesting woman. I deserve someone who knows how to spell my last name.

And the himbo will sadly slump up and out of bed, over to the gym, and swiftly into the life of the next unsuspecting female. And I’ll go back to being sexily single. Aka blogging away in his old college t-shirt and my underoos cackling into my breakfast ice cream.

See, himbos! See what you’ve lost and weep!

Sigh. I wish there was more ‘winning’ in adulthood.

*Absolutely zero details in this post have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. But spoiler alert: I didn’t date Taylor Kitsch.

(Image: fanpop.com)

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  • Amy

    Himbos are for one night stands.

    P.S. “ChubTown” = lolz

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Thanks, Amy!

  • Michelle

    You do realize Taylor Kitsch went to university right? If you take 5 seconds to google him, you would realize he is very smart, down to earth, is completely humble, lives in Austin to avoid all the Hollywood bs and does not fit your description of a “himbo” at all. Yes, he’s beautiful and a certified personal trainer and nutritionist, but that doesn’t mean he’s stupid. His recent box office results have nothing to do with it either. I don’t know much about the other guys, but this whole article comes across as poorly researched fluff. Especially where Taylor is concerned. I actually totally respect him for the fact that he is the complete opposite of most Hollywood celebrities. How often do you see a guy this hot, that is also smart, talented (have you seen Friday Night Lights or The Bang Bang Club?), funny and totally down to earth. I think Taylor is awesome! A great role model for people who want to be serious actors and are not just in it for fame and celebrity.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I didn’t research it at all except to link to the original article — that’s why it’s 98% based on my own personal experience. Didn’t mean to offend anyone and I’ve never even met Taylor! Sounds like you have, though, so I’m sorry to step on your toes!

  • Maria

    I agree with Michelle. This article is insulting to Taylor and the other actors mentioned.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I’m sorry you feel that way, Maria. I was trying to write mostly about my own personal experience, since I don’t know the actors mentioned.

  • Brittany

    Considering James Marsden was married for over a decade before divorcing and has two children he’s devoted to, I think he doesn’t classify as a Himbo. Neither do the other guys in the article. Not cool.

    • Cori

      Well, the author didn’t choose them, there’s a link up at the top to the article that does.

      Maybe it’s just me, but I read the whole thing as a satire of the whole concept of a “himbo”.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You’re right on, Cori! Thanks for reading!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I didn’t think he did either, so I just cited my reference for the article and moved on to talking about real, live himbos! I love me some James Marsden!

  • Maria

    Alexis- I understand that you were writing from personal experience and it was meant to be a satire. My problem as a writer or journalist isn’t it your job to do your research when you are writing about certain people? Especially with the title stating why Taylor Kitsch will never be famous. You better do your homework before making a statement like that. Otherwise I do enjoy reading your articles but did find this article to be offensive not just to Taylor but to the other guys mentioned. I know you did not originally make the statement but you did repeat it.

  • Adriana

    I wanted to be mad at you about all the very untrue (kind of funny) things you said about Taylor, but that pic, it is, so, so freaking hot!

    You are forgiven.