• Fri, Jun 8 2012

If Charlotte Russe Ran A Reality Dating Show In The Mall, It Would Still Be Classier Than The Choice

Last night I made the unfortunate decision to watch FOX’s new reality show The Choice. Although the entire premise sounded slightly trashy and highly illogical, I thought maybe, just maybe, it could be a fun entertaining summer show.

But no, it’s not. It’s probably one of the worst reality shows I’ve ever watched on television. And not in a “haha” this is bad kind of way. But in a “I think I  just grew bedbugs just by watching something so filthy” kind of way.

First of all, what!?

Why is this happening? In what world does this premise make any sense?

D-List celebrities (and I assure you that calling them D-List is a major compliment) must decide if they would like to date someone after listening to them talk about themselves for 15 seconds. And before you dare think that maybe this gives contestants an opportunity to show off their inner-beauty, it doesnt.

They stand behind the judges’ chairs and say things like, “I have super long legs and great lips. Oh and I did gymnastics for 9 years so I’m super flexible.”  Which basically defeats the entire point of the show, right? Love isn’t exactly blind if you spend your blind date audition describing yourself as sexily as possible.

If the judges like what they’re hearing, they can pick the woman for their team by turning their chair around. If more than one judge turns his chair around, then the woman can pick her team. Very progressive!

After they each have three women on their team, it’s time for the quick-question round. That’s where the judges have 15 seconds with each woman to ask her super deep meaningful questions. Such as the popular “what’s your favorite color?”

That was asked twice. Once by Romeo (possibly the former Lil Romeo but I refuse to do any Googling related to this show) and once by Pauly D. Because knowing a woman’s favorite color is the first stop on the express highway to her soul. My favorite exchange during this rapid fire exchange of wit and intelligence?

Pauly D: So, what do you like to do

Tragic Contestant: I like to like party and go outside

Pauly D: Cool, me too.

Like EVERYONE else in their 20s, they both like to party and go outside. What a crushing blow this must be to all the girls out there who obsess over Pauly D, but prefer to stay inside.

After this speed dating for kindergartners round, they kick one girl off their team and narrow it down to two. Two very unlucky contestants who hopefully only did this show because they were desperate for rent money. And not for love. Because this is the last place to find love. You’d have more luck in an Applebee’s bathroom on a Tuesday afternoon.

Now round three’s full of more questions. But really hard questions this time. Just kiddng. The questions are just as simple as in round two, except this time the answer determines who wins the sadly-coveted date. One lonely date that we don’t even see because the show starts rolling the credits as soon as the answers are picked.

So after sitting through a brain-numbing hour of television, we don’t even get to see the pay-off. The part of the show when the celebs actually go on dates with normals.

What is the point of this show? Someone please explain to me because I’m so confused.

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  • hello

    This is hilarious! Thank you for this. I never felt more disgusted and less proud to be a female in such an objectifying and offensive society. Do those girls have any self-worth?

  • Kayla

    Am I really the only one that caught the speed round question “Do you feel like you’re in a spaceship [in the spinning chair]?” asked by the ditzy blonde?
    Also, I have to stick up for Jeremy Bloom who seemed to be the only one actually wanting to get to know these girls, for god knows what reason. Yes, he turned around for almost every girl (big mistake) but his reasoning for turning always had something to do with school, or charity or where they grew up. This, in turn, helped me gain back respect for the cutie after even appearing on the show. Yeah the he could have been lying, but I’d love to sit here in my bliss and pretend that he’s not another douchey athlete.

  • name

    AMEN. took the words out of my mouth