Remember that time Snow White and the Huntsman wrapped up their story nicely, resulting in you leaving the theater with absolutely no questions of what happens next. Well, you’re completely alone in that feeling. The fine human beings who run Hollywood thought the story felt so unfinished and so incomplete that they just greenlit a sequel.
Yes, that’s right. Take a moment to pump your fist in the air and yell hallelujah. There is a god and he is good and he slept with Chris Hemsworth and made this sequel possible.
Having trouble mustering up enthusiasm for this extremely necesary follow-up to Snow White and the Huntsman? Well that’s just the Kristen Stewart inside of you. Let me guess, you’re reading this while wearing a red carpet dress and converse sneakers. I know, I know, nailed it!
Anyways, at first I too was totally puzzled as to what this sequel could possibly be about. Snow White and the Huntsman ended on a pretty conclusive note. Snow White gets crowned queen, Huntsman gets labeled a romantic necrophiliac who waited until he thought Snow White was dead before making his first move and no one from the authorities question Snow White about her step-mother’s murder.
But then when I thought about it, I realized that’s only the beginning of the story. After all Huntsman and Snow both obviously suffer from major psychological issues. I mean, Huntsman (the Mr. Big of fairy tale land) has a raging case of the alcoholics due to the tragic murder of his beloved wife. And Snow? Snow spent her teenage years trapped alone in a prison cell. I don’t care how magical you are or how well you communicate with sexually ambiguous fairies who live in the digestive system of birds, that’s gotta mess a girl up.
So I’m picturing the second movie to be an epic love story focusing on the drama that ensues as the two main characters come to terms wth the fact they’re totally fucked up. But while they’re making progress in couples therapy, the kingdom’s falling apart. Snow never even learned to read, let alone learned how to run an entire kingdom.
In an attempt to save their marriage and salvage what’s left of their tragic kingdom, the two declare bankruptcy and move to a sprawling piece of land in the midwest. A place where they can finally focus on their relationship and begin building a future together. They buy a couple cows, a chicken, a rooster and even a goat…
…that all end up mauling Snow White to death after hearing her relay tales of dwarves for like the zillionth time. As part of their fine family tradition, Huntsman mourns her death by making love to her corpse.
And we all leave the theater feeling much better about our own relationships and lives.
Until we pay to see the third movie. Because spoiler alert, Kristen Stewart and Chris Hemsworth are signed on a third movie as well. Like I said earlier, God is good.