This week a massive controversy crushed Crushable.com when one of the site’s writers wrote that the Jonas Brothers used to masturbate daily to their own music for sport while wearing promise rings and telling everyone they were abstaining from such activities. Wait. Hold on. What’s that? Oh, I didn’t know that. I’m being told that’s not what was written about the Jo Bros.
Then, what was all the fuss about? What’s that?! They wrote the Jonas Brothers were using the fame of One Direction to get attention for themselves? No! Is this true? Not, One Direction! Some older dudes using younger dudes for their own personal satisfaction? I think that’s illegal in this country.
I can’t believe someone would write something like that especially because there is no way it could ever be logically argued. That would take, uhhh, logic or something. And it’s reasonable to say that that logically couldn’t happen. Which, according to the reason of this argument, means the writer must have manipulated Joe Jonas’ words.
Was Joe Jonas actually saying these things to Ryan Seacrest for his own benefit? Did the writer manipulate the words of Joe Jonas in the interest of her own argument? She might have. And that is disgusting. That would be like manipulating the words of a writer in a comments section for the benefit of an argument. But that never happens. Especially not in this case.
And, you can’t manipulate Joe Jonas’ words! That would be like manipulating the words of a higher power like Jesus Christ, who we all know once wrote, “Thou shalt not lay with a woman before marriage, unless you lie about it to millions of people in the service of your musical career.” I believe Jesus wrote that in the bible or on his fourth studio album, A Higher Power, which was produced by Snoop Dog. Classic tracks.
So, what are we to do here? How can we remedy this incredibly blasphemous situation where writers are spreading ridiculous rumors about boy bands?
Well, first I could dispel these rumors with some truth. The Jonas Brothers are not using One Direction to stay relevant. To stay relevant, the Jonas Brothers will reveal they are really magical fungus-eating toads made of rainbows and the tears of over-excited prepubescent girls on the next season of The Voice. That’s true.
But, what’s another way we could make this ugly situation better. Maybe we could go back in a time machine. Yeah. That’s a good idea. So, that way we could take back the things we said about the Jonas Brothers and One Direction. Or better yet, if we had a time machine, maybe we could stop those bands from ever forming. Because if neither the Jonas Brothers nor One Direction existed nobody ever could have argued one was using the other for personal gain.
Plus, if they never existed, it would have the added benefit of them never existing and me never having to hear their music.