A Guy Says: Crushable Manipulates the Words of the Jonas Brothers! Deserves To Die?

This week a massive controversy crushed Crushable.com when one of the site’s writers wrote that the Jonas Brothers used to masturbate daily to their own music for sport while wearing promise rings and telling everyone they were abstaining from such activities.  Wait.  Hold on.  What’s that?  Oh, I didn’t know that.  I’m being told that’s not what was written about the Jo Bros.

Then, what was all the fuss about?  What’s that?!  They wrote the Jonas Brothers were using the fame of One Direction to get attention for themselves?  No!  Is this true?  Not, One Direction! Some older dudes using younger dudes for their own personal satisfaction?  I think that’s illegal in this country.

I can’t believe someone would write something like that especially because there is no way it could ever be logically argued.  That would take, uhhh, logic or something.  And it’s reasonable to say that that logically couldn’t happen.  Which, according to the reason of this argument, means the writer must have manipulated Joe Jonas’ words.

Was Joe Jonas actually saying these things to Ryan Seacrest for his own benefit?  Did the writer manipulate the words of Joe Jonas in the interest of her own argument?  She might have.  And that is disgusting.  That would be like manipulating the words of a writer in a comments section for the benefit of an argument.  But that never happens.  Especially not in this case.

And, you can’t manipulate Joe Jonas’ words!  That would be like manipulating the words of a higher power like Jesus Christ, who we all know once wrote, “Thou shalt not lay with a woman before marriage,  unless you lie about it to millions of people in the service of your musical career.”  I believe Jesus wrote that in the bible or on his fourth studio album, A Higher Power, which was produced by Snoop Dog.  Classic tracks.

So, what are we to do here?  How can we remedy this incredibly blasphemous situation where writers are spreading ridiculous rumors about boy bands?

Well, first I could dispel these rumors with some truth.  The Jonas Brothers are not using One Direction to stay relevant.  To stay relevant, the Jonas Brothers will reveal they are really magical fungus-eating toads made of rainbows and the tears of over-excited prepubescent girls on the next season of The Voice.  That’s true.

But, what’s another way we could make this ugly situation better.  Maybe we could go back in a time machine.  Yeah.  That’s a good idea.  So, that way we could take back the things we said about the Jonas Brothers and One Direction.  Or better yet, if we had a time machine, maybe we could stop those bands from ever forming.  Because if neither the Jonas Brothers nor One Direction existed nobody ever could have argued one was using the other for personal gain.

Plus, if they never existed, it would have the added benefit of them never existing and me never having to hear their music.

You can reach this post's author, Harry Barron, on twitter.
Share This Post:
    • Jamnu

      This article is so rude and funny at the same time. I actually laughed hahahaha!! It was kind of blasphemous, though.

    • Dani

      This article is completely rude! Not funny at all. No fucking need to be such assholes. Just cuz your behind a computer doesn’t mean you should say whatever you want.

    • srsly

      So if I’m reading this correctly, Crushable published something that was totally wrong, made-up bullshit, which wouldn’t be the first time, but this time, because they piss-off a well-motivated fandom, people called them on it. So, naturally, instead of saying they were sorry and won’t do it again (you know, like a grown-up) they publish this piece of hateful drivel. Am I right?

    • DIANA

      Asqueroso articulo!!!!

    • DIANA

      Asqueroso e irrespetuoso articulo!!!!. Totalmente fuera de lugar tus comentarios.

    • -

      Well this clearly shows the professionalism of this site. The funny thing is these boy bands have gone further in life than these bloggers, so I suppose I should understand where all these bitter words are coming from.

    • marinka

      This is probably one of the rudest articles I have EVER read. The fact that these people sit behind a computer and write rude things about people, which aren’t even true, while the Jonas Brothers have accomplished so much in 5 years. They are worshipped by huge artists, such as Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney, while you sit here and write bullshit. Maybe you should do something with your life. This article is irrelevant as fuck and completely unnecessary. Stop trying to make people like you, because all you do right now is having a whole fanbase against you. Good job, God must be proud.

    • Rach

      Is this what passes as journalism these days? Let me make sure I got this straight: an ignorant “writer” on this site posts a story full of inaccuracies, gets called out on it and instead of letting the issues die, the “writer” of this sarcastic dribble decides to continue the tomfoolery.

      I’m going to suggest the people at crushable.com Google the Butthurt Report and fill it out promptly.

    • Stayer Jonatic

      “The Jonas Brothers using the fame of One Direction to get attention to themselves”?! what kinda lame joke is that?! The Jonas Brothers became famous with their own talent way long before you even know any band member of One Direction exists!

    • Sophie

      I just want to point out how stupid this website is. The Jonas Brothers are LEGENDS. They have accomplished so much in their career so far, and One Direction has nothing to do with their success. Can I also point out that no one on this website knows how to write a decent article? Actual reporters actually look up facts before writing ‘stories’. Congrats on making fools of yourselves. Have fun writing more bullshit articles! xoxo

      • well

        Do you even know what the word ‘legend’ means?

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    • Emma

      what kind of website is this.
      This is bullshit.

    • jessi

      you know what really gets my goat? No one is even TALKING about how all of these young men are leeching onto the successes and benefitting from the exsitense of the OneTrueBoyBand NKOTB.

      • jessi

        P.s Does anyone remember when TRL had a boyband fan off between BSB fans and NSYNC Fans?!? That was epic then, but I think with the fans of today we could actually get a chance at the most solid and realistic recreation of The Hunger Games. That way fans could direct their anger and follow through on death threats to the REAL enemy. Fans of OTHER BANDS. Something to marinate.

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    • Feeling offended

      Youre rather rude and condescending. You obviously have very strong opinions, why can’t everyone else? It’s also a bit pathetic to be twenty five and watching YouTube videos about joe Jonas and one direction. I don’t really respect you very much as a blogger. You probably won’t even read this comment, but of you do, take heed. It could help you improve your pointless diatribe of a blog.