Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Are Engaged, Black Magic Likely Involved

Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth Punk'd laugh police naked people

In news I did not see coming, 19-Year-Old Miley Cyrus and 22-Year-Old Liam Hemsworth are engaged. As in engaged to be married. As in Miley Cyrus hypothetically gets to have sex with Liam Hemsworth forever and ever and ever. She also hypothetically gets to see Chris Hemsworth on family vacations, over Thanksgiving and during every other intimate Hemsworth family moment that she shouldn’t be privy to simply because she’s Miley Cyrus.

My immediate reaction to hearing this absolutely insane story while calmly eating breakfast this morning? “&*%$#$$%%”

How is this possible? Just last month I spread rumors that the two recently purchased tickets to Break-Up City. And now I wake up to this gut-wrenching, soul-shaking news. The news that The Girl Who Adopts Dogs For Attention snagged one of the hottest men in Hollywood.

I just can’t figure out why this incredibly young couple’s settling down so fast. If she’s pregnant, I’ll die. I’ll just die. She cannot be the woman to bear a cousin for India Rose Hemsworth. It’s just not right. It might not even be legal. But I’d have to consult with a Disney contract expert to verify that.

According to People (the new official bearers of bad news) Liam proposed on May 31st with a 3.5 carat diamond ring. Miley tells the magazine,”I’m so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam.” Which means that not only will Miley be marrying Liam, but she’ll also be using this publicity move to her advantage. Look forward to interviews, magazine covers, Barbara Walter specials and a leaked sex tape.

If this engagement doesn’t reek of black magic, then I’ll be damned. I’ve watched Hocus Pocus enough times to be able to spot witchcraft when I see it. And tell you what mortals, I see it. How else can this possibly be happening?!

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    • Natalie Zutter

      IS IT APRIL FOOLS? I’m sitting here rubbing my eyes as if it’ll change what I’m reading. (Also, I love how you put the photo of them in front of the Cheesecake Factory.)

      • Jenni Maier

        I’ve never been more scared to google something in my entire life. I was like “please, please, just be a sick rumor….”

        DAMN People for being legit enough to make me believe it’s true.

    • Naomi

      I don’t like Miley Cyrus either, but for f*ck’s sake, why is it such a big deal that you sound like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Do you KNOW the dude? Are you engaged in a personal relationship with him? Did she steal him away from you? No? Then check your meds.

    • Jessie

      GUYS! I think we all need to simmer. While this match confuses me to no avail, and thusly inappropriately enrages me, we ALL KNOW this isn’t going to last. It can’t last. Aside from the logical reasons; like how she sounds like she has peanut butter stuck to the top of her mouth – they are way young and in Hollywood. I predict, on a engagement/marriage length scale ranging from Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries to Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks this will last approximately Britney and Kevin Federline.

      • Jenni Maier

        Haha! I love the marriage scale,but I have to disagree with your Britney/Kevin predictions. I’m thinking more Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey. You know, get one good reality show in before calling it quits.

    • Rachel

      What is your deal with hating Miley Cyrus? I mean, what did she ever do to you, personally. I’m not a big Miley Cyrus fan, really, I could giver two poops about her and her personal life. Because I DON’T KNOW HER. I’m guessing you don’t actually know her either. So why all the hate?

      You know, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Give it a try and calm down a little bit.

      • Jenni Maier

        I honestly don’t know! I don’t actively hate her. I just hate the fact she’s marrying Liam Hemsworth. It’s the middle school girl inside of me. I think her name’s Pepper Ann.

      • Maggie

        Liam Hemsworth is the Craig to Jenni’s Pepper Ann; admiring from afar, yet never quite able to reach him. Sigh.

    • Darcie

      This is BULL! Whoever wrote this just seems like a bully! I mean, yes, I can understand that Liam is gorgeous and you’re jealous, but let them be happy! Trying “wishing them luck” instead of condemning them.

    • Christa

      All my hopes and dreams dashed! dashed i tell you!!!!!

    • Kayla

      I am happy for them!! I love Miley and I love Liam. She is the Katniss to his Gale. They end up together right…? ;)

    • macey jeter

      doesn’t everyone hate miley cyrus hello? pink wannabe right there in my opinion liam should go back to laura

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