Remember that time Taylor Swift rode into town on her high horse and claimed John Mayer ruined her life when they dated. Not ringing any bells? She put it to music and called it “Dear John.” People applauded her bravery and tsk-tsked John for taking advantage of poor innocent Taylor. I mean, for goodness sakes, she barely left the orthodontist before he ravaged her, stole her heart and hid it in his fedora. Shame on John!
Mayer now tells Rolling Stone that he learned about Swift’s feelings directly from her song. “I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call,” he says. “I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I’d already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you’ve ever been, someone kicked you even lower?” When asked about the song’s line, “Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with?” Mayer says, “I don’t want to go into that.”
Guess there’s not much cell reception when you’re riding on a horse so high that his saddle’s touching the clouds. What John Mayer’s saying, which we all basically knew when the song came out, is that Taylor decided to take the low road during this break-up and pull off the celebrity equivalent of writing a Facebook note about asshole guys that only tags your ex.
I remember feeling awkward when I first heard the song and now I feel even worse. Not necessarily for John Mayer because he’s a douche who’s notorious for talking about his ex-girlfriends publicly. But bad for myself. It’s like finding your friend’s middle school Xanga account and reading about how much she resents her father for leaving their family for his 18-year-old dental hygienist. It doesn’t feel right knowing stuff you’re not supposed to know.
So for all of Taylor Swift’s hokey-pokey attitude toward life, she’s not any better than her dreadful ex John Mayer. She just has long, beautiful blonde locks so she gets away with publicly humiliating him. Mayer totally agrees with me. Probably because we basically have the same last name. (The last name that caused everyone in 9th grade to ask daily, “are you related to John Mayer?”)
Mayer also takes issue with “Dear John” as a musician. “I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting,” he says. “I know she’s the biggest thing in the world, and I’m not trying to sink anybody’s ship, but I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bullshit.”
It is bullshit John. She should do what the rest of us do when we break up with someone. Be more vague with our music choices. It’s one thing to put up an emo song lyric on your Facebook status with no commentary, it’s another thing to write an entire song full of commentary.
Does everyone see the difference? They both involve public mourning. One’s just a little less “suck it dickwad.”