I just read this hilarious interview on Nerve with Aubrey Plaza, the star of the new movie Safety Not Guaranteed. Not only did this article make me super excited for the new movie, but it also reignited my burning love for Aubrey.
If you (somehow and unfortunately) happen to not know who Aubrey Plaza is, she’s currently an actress on the show Parks & Recreation…AKA the best show on TV. Ms. Plaza plays April Ludgate, Ron Swanson’s assistant, who is adored for her dead-pan comedy. I mean, who wouldn’t love a lady who has a house rule that says: if you watch a sad movie you have to wear mascara so we can tell if you have been crying or not.
Not only do I love April as a character, but I really, really want to hang out with Aubrey. So I did what I do with most of my girl crushes and I imagined us hanging out for a day (in a totally consensual manner, of course).
My date with Aubrey would go something like this,
Morning: Aubrey and I both share a love for pranks and coffee. This gives us the perfect opportunity to re-live her famous Mobile Desktop prank.
She executed the prank with the help of Improv Everywhere, an improv group that Aubrey belonged to at the time. Aubrey and I would laugh over coffee while we re-hashed how difficult it was for her frail arms to set up the Desktop PCs in the Starbucks.
Noon: After beating up some kids for fun, we would work on our 1940′s accents, which she made popular in the Parks and Recreation episode, “The Fight.” This episode brought us April’s alter-ego, Janet Snakehole, an aristocratic widow with a terrible secret. Aubrey’s impression had me dying, especially when she slapped Andy Dwyer (her husband in the show), after he said her outfit wasn’t “slutty enough.”
After watching this episode, I can say with full confidence that between Aubrey’s Janet Snakehole, and My Jimmy Stewart impression, we could create an unstoppable gang — if gangs could consist of two people.
Afternoon: Because Aubrey stars on Parks and Recreation, she happens to work with two ladies who I also love dearly, Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones. Us ladies would probably start with some light shopping before hanging at the bar and discussing who breaks character first on the show. I know it is you Rashida!
Late-Afternoon: Now, feeling a little buzzed, I would order Aubrey to call Ryan Gosling and apologize for being so rude to him! Being that I am Aubrey’s best pal, she would listen to me. She and Ryan would agree on getting some pizza and making amends. But prior to her leaving, I would remind her to live by her famous quote that she said on Leno,which was, “I’m too awkward to date, I’m kind of all or nothing, you know? Either, put a baby inside of me or leave me alone.” So for the love of god Gosling, put a baby in her!
Night: A now-impregnated Aubrey and I would take our 1940 tushes to the movie theater to see her new movie Safety Not Guaranteed. In this movie she plays an intern assigned to figure out why a crazy man wants to go back in time.
In her interview with Nerve, Aubrey said that if she could travel back to any time period, it would be London 1969, so she could see Judy Garland’s last performance. I also have frequently wished that I could have seen Judy Garland perform live. Now believe it or not, this is the point in the play date when it comes to an end.
But, we have fortunately made a play date for next week. What’s on the itinerary? How about building a time machine in order to live out our dream of seeing our gal pal Judy.