Today Russell Brand turns 37. I hate that I know this and I hate that I care. But that’s my life now. I have a crush on Russell Brand and I subconciously stockpile this information in my head. The actor who makes me feel compelled to get an STD check just from watching him during an interview also makes me feel compelled to remove all my clothes.
His hosting gig at the MTV Movie Awards last night didn’t help solve my confliction of a crush. No, It just made it worse. How can I like this man who’s somewhat endorsing Charlie Sheen doing lines of coke?
It’s a confusing feeling and I’ve struggled with this contradiction for years.
Well, maybe not years. Before I saw him in Get Him to the Greek, I was on Team Get Him to the Groomers. After seeing him host the MTV Movie Awards in 2008, I felt mild repulsion for this British import. I had no idea who he was, where he came from or why he so closely resembled someone I once saw in a very moving documentary on the feral children of Eastern Europe.
I dismissed him as a one-hit-MTV-host-wonder and assumed we’d never see him again. I mean, really. Could a man who looks like that find success in America? The same America that paid Jessica Simpson to gain massive amounts of pregnancy weight just so we could watch her lose it in what are sure to be touching Weight Watcher’s commercials?
Yes. Turns out he can. He returned to my life with his small role as ridiculous rocker Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. To tell you the truth, I spent so much time focusing on Jason Segel in that movie that I didn’t even really notice my growing acceptance for he-who-must-be-showered.
Then I begrudgingly saw Get Him to the Greek for work and it hit me. I like Russell Brand. Despite the fact that I’m 99% sure that a one-night stand with him would result in some kind of rare incurable case of lice, I left the movie wanting to sleep with him. I want to touch his dirty hair and I want to kiss him on his dirty mouth. The same dirty mouth that says horrible things like, “I like threesomes with two women, not because I’m a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I’m a romantic. I’m looking for “The One.” And I’ll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.”
I don’t understand it. I’m not that type of girl who’s into that type of guy. I never tell my friends over mimosas at brunch that I’m looking for a guy with mangy hair or a sociopathic glint in their eye. So why do I find myself attracted to Russell Brand? A man who chose to star in the Tom Cruise vehicle Rock of Ages (a movie known in inside circles as Tom Cruise Is Totally Hawt Guys, Right? RIGHT!?! Because He Took His Shirt Off…So Yeah, He’s Hawt).
I suppose I can blame his accent, because truth be told, I’ll take off my clothes for anyone with a British accent. But that’s not it. That’s not what had me leaving Get Him to the Greek and shaking my head trying to get this face out of my mind. That’s not what had me half-smiling at his not-very-funny Charlie Sheen cocaine jokes at the award show last night.
And that’s not compels me to watch all of his TV interview now and defend him when people call him gross. And let me put it on the record that I find him gross too. I do! I swear!
But I also find him attractive and for that Russell Brand, I can never forgive you.
(Photo: Fan Pop)