• Mon, Jun 4 2012

Great, Now I’m Worried Hilary Duff Is Addicted To Changing Diapers (And By Diapers, I Mean Headlines)

New mom Hilary Duff bravely admitted to People that she loves changing her son Luca’s diapers! L-O-V-E-S it.  In fact, she loves it so much that she’s asked her husband Mike Comrie to start wearing diapers himself so she can change those too. Or I’m guessing she asked him that. As someone who’s successfully dated many diaper fetishists, I know how this works. It starts off innocently enough with you changing your actual baby’s diaper. Then, before you can say Huggies vs. Pampers, you’re diapering everyone and everything. Your husband, your sister, your concubine, your cat, your washing machine. Everything just looks better with a diaper!

You know what else makes everyone look better? The glow that comes from getting headlines for a non-story. Like the time Hilary Duff got featured on People.com for talking about how much she loves changing diapers. Remember that time? I told you about it approximately 3-7 seconds ago (depending on fast you read).

If Hilary Duff simply told People that she loves being a mom, she wouldn’t be featured on the site right now. That’s boring. She knows that. That’s why she went with the “I love diapers” line. That’s clickable. That will get people talking. Right now, as I write this, people are talking about Hilary Duff’s diaper obsession. They’re using her full name, like she’s a working actress or something.

Even though she’s not. Sure she’s shown up here and there over the past few years, but as someone who willingly watched the ABC Family movie, The Beauty and the Briefcase, I’m confident that her career’s basically over. Yes, you’ll see her sporadically in TV movies and you’ll even see her this fall in the comedy She Wants Me.  But you won’t see her making a big career comeback and turning into the next Sandra Bullock.

So she does what she has to do. Get pregnant, give birth and raise a child in front of as many cameras as possible. She’s pulling a Jessica Alba. Also known in more cynical circles as a Tori Spelling. Use your minimal fame to give your fetus fame.  Gush about your child. Show up everywhere with your child. And when that stops working, having another child. And when that stops working, have ANOTHER child. Tori Spelling’s womb now partners directly with her PR manager.

So you can look forward to many more Hilary Duff parenting anecdotes over the years. And another pregnancy or two or three or five. It really depend how cute Luca turns out to be. The paps only need so many photos of an average celebrity child playing at the park. That’s just celebrity math.

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