As I hope you’re aware, the fifth season of The Real Housewives of New York City premieres tomorrow, and with three new cast members. Old reliables Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimon, and Alex McCord have left the show, and been replaced by the utterly unknowable Aviva Drescher, Carole Radziwill, and Heather Thomson.
But for your information, I also live in this city, so why am I not one of the stretched, tanned, overly-made-up new faces on this drama extravaganza? Well, first of all, I’m not a housewife. And I’m not wealthy. But other than that…in honor of the show’s fifth season, here are the top five reasons I can’t and won’t be the new Housewife.
1. I don’t have a Pinot Grigio named after me. Unlike Ramona Singer, I drink a glass or two of wine to get a nice buzz with friends or to relax after a hard day at work. I don’t drink to get extra loud and belligerent at a fancy dinner party or to practice my frantic, unblinking stare at my pseudo-friends. At least not since college.
2. When and if I wear a Halloween costume, I prefer it to cover my entire ass. Which is why Sonja Morgan is on the show, and not me. When Sonja hosted a costume party at her apartment, she forgot to wear the bottom part of her Marie Antoinette costume, exposing her her derriere to every single party guest…and all of national television. I’m clearly unsuited for Housewife status, because when I’m not wearing pants, I’m pretty much instantly aware of it.
3. I’m not a Countess. Unlike LuAnn de Lesseps, I don’t feel the need to correct my friends when they refer to me by my first name and without my royal title. I used to insist that people refer to me as Princess Featherbottom, but it was too much work to enforce.
4. My face is my own. This is a big one. I discovered early on that my face is too full of muscles, flesh, pockets of fat, and useful organs to go trying to shove any bits of plastic or fallen tree limbs in it. Unfortunately, this disqualifies me for the show, because to get on, at least 36% of the muscles in your face have to be immobilized, either by Botox or by shame.
5. I don’t have a ‘hit’ single. Here’s LuAnn squashing my dreams again. It seems to be becoming a requirement for Housewives across the country to have a terrible, robo-voiced single a la ‘Don’t Be Tardy For the Party’ or the Countess’ smash hit, ‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’, which you can watch above. It may not buy you class, but it can certainly afford to buy you undeserved representation and a music video.
So there you have it. The current Top Five reasons I’m not one of the new Housewives. I can’t wait to find out even more throughout the fifth season.
Won’t you set your DVRs and join me on this terrifying ride?