• Fri, Jun 1 2012

I Wish Kristen Stewart Died In Snow White And The Huntsman Instead Of Charlize Theron

Classic Snow White. Making the Huntsman do ALL the work.

Snow White finally figures out how to escape her prison cell after a pair of magical birds show her this nail. This almost-woman requires the assistance of magical birds to escape. And trust me, this isn’t the last time in the movie that she needs avian assistance. After she escapes into the dark forest, she requires help from the huntsman who was sent into the dark forest to track her down and capture her for Raveena. Oh, did I mention Raveena kicks ass at delegating?!

This supposed hero can’t even get through the dark forest on her own. When the Huntsman finally gets her out of there alive, she requires the assistance of dwarves on the next leg of her journey. While the movie keeps telling us over and over that Snow White’s the great white hope to save the kingdom, I struggled to believe it.

Is it not the Huntsman who just saved her life TWICE? Is it not the dwarves who help her escape into the enchanted forest? If the girl can’t even find her way to an enchanted fairy forest without help, how does anyone except her to defeat a magical enemy. But still, they all ooo and aww over the girl and act like she’s their savior.

Here’s a hint men of re-imagined fairy tales: if your savior gets tricked by the evil witch the second you take a nap, she’s not a savior. She’s a moron. These 10 men can’t even get some shut-eye without her causing unnecesary drama.

In the last ten minutes she finally wakes up from her imprisonment stupor and gets really into getting revenge on Raveena. Not for herself of course, but for her murdered father. HELLO SNOW WHITE! How about avenging your own imprisonment and slave-like treatment. Dad’s dead. He died quite some time ago and he died because he married an evil enchantress one day after meeting her. That’s what he gets for being horny.

Snow’s imprisoned for no reason and she should be fighting Raveena for that. Not for her horndog dead dad. By the time she kills Raveena, it’s so disappointing. She doesn’t even deliver a fuck you to the woman who ruined her entire life. And then for her barely heroic deeds (and getting tons of soldiers killed alongside her in battle), she’s crowned queen.

Moral of the story: make men around you do your bidding and you get a crown.

Let’s remake this movie for the third time this year and make sure Raveena survives. We need more strong women in power. Women who know what they want and do whatever it takes to get it.

 

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  • lala

    seriously? do you even know what you’re talking about???grow up.

  • lala

    killing anyone who gets in her way to get IT? you’re seriously nuts..and BTW, blame the writers not the cast..

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  • niki

    jeeez, talk about over analyzing….why not try enjoying the movie for it’s beauty and n superb cast, you need a shrink lady……

  • prettygirlww

    SPOILER ALERT

  • juvyrocks

    you are a writter here and you don’t know what you’re writting about.what a shame go back to school and widen your knowledge,you sucks big time.

    • Angee

      Wow, for someone who is criticizing a writer I would hope you’d actually know how to spell ‘writer’. You should also consider using punctuation marks instead of a run-on sentence.

  • juvyrocks

    you are a writter here and you don’t know what you’re writting about.what a shame go back to school and widen your knowledge,you sucks big time.

  • alm

    i love your blog, but seriously, if you’re going to put something so spoiler-y IN THE HEADLINE (where you can’t even avoid it by not reading the article), please wait at least a couple of weeks after the movie comes out to post it. you guys have a nasty habit of doing this.

    • Jenni Maier

      Sorry! I assumed everyone knew the basic plot of Snow White. We’ll do a better job in the future. Promise!

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  • Naomi

    Looks like someone’s running out of article topics… People don’t go to movies like this for their relevance to third-wave feminism.

  • Kelsey

    Not sure why everyone’s hating on over-analyzing…it’s the only way everyday life is interesting

  • elke

    Thanks for letting me know the ending! Pretty cool.

    • Kim

      I know! There could at least have been a spoiler alert!

  • Kara

    OMG!. Another KStew hater.

  • Jojo

    jenni – do you know you’re a lousy reporter? keep going what you’re doing and you will be only be stuck up as a gossiper. To be honest not worth of reading. You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are judging Kristen’s role? Di you really go & SWATH just to criticize her? Grow up!!! Better, stop what you’re doing because you are not good at it.

    • Jenni Maier

      For many years I suspected that I was a lousy reporter. But not until today, when I read this comment, did I know for sure. Thanks for your constructive criticism. I look forward to the upcoming job hunt!

  • TheEvilQueen

    Fuck all these people! The evil queen rules! I loved your article and Snow White should have died. I think they could have found someone prettier than Kirsten. After all snow is supposed to fairer than the Queen, and she comes nowhere close to Charlize. But she played the part well, as Snow White is lame and boring.