I Wish Kristen Stewart Died In Snow White And The Huntsman Instead Of Charlize Theron

You're going to tell me that Kristen Stewart's fairer than Charlize Theron. Please.

I walked in to Snow White and the Huntsman fully prepared to try to like Kristen Stewart. After years of actively dismissing her acting as mopey-esque, I thought that perhaps we’d both grown up enough to approach this movie with a different attitude. If she promised not to look like she’s starring in an allergies commercial, I would promise to look at her acting skills critically — and away from the Twilight lens.

Sorry K. Stew. You failed me here. But you know what, it’s not really your fault. The movie’s not designed to show off your acting skills, nor it even designed to make Snow White look good.  And before you think it’s a flim about a hunky love triangle, Sam Claflin and Chris Hemsworth don’t win any points either. Hot huntsman be damned. The only person I rooted for during this entire film was Charlize Theron and her portrayal of the evil Queen Raveena.

How could I root for Raveena? An antihero who represents everything that’s wrong with our endless quest for neverending beauty and youth? Because I’m a woman with wishes, dreams, goals and the drive to achieve all of them. Like Raveena, I go after what I want.

(Unlike Raveena, I’m not looking for beauty and youth. So my daily to-do list doesn’t usually involve hunting down beautiful woman and sucking the life out of them until I’m wrinkle-free. )

However it doesn’t matter if we differ on what we value in our lives. What matters is that Raveena came from a poor background and rose up to become the queen of a kingdom. A single step-mother to boot. If we heard this story on the local news, we’d be cheering for this feminist icon. We’d be throwing praise at this role model who defied tradition and did whatever it takes to get to the top. We might even call her Oprah.

You know who we wouldn’t be cheering on?

The frail teenager who constantly puts everyone in danger with her “woe is me” attitude. Yes, Snow White’s pretty but she’s not very savvy or smart or even ambitious. It takes her about 10 years of living in a one room cell to discover there’s a rusty nail in her prison cell that she can use to escape.

Raveena would have found that nail 10 minutes into her stay at Hotel De Prison Boredom. Because she has places to go and people to murder for their youth. There’s no time for dilly-dallying and moping about because an evil queen killed your father when your life’s at stake.

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    • lala

      seriously? do you even know what you’re talking about???grow up.

    • lala

      killing anyone who gets in her way to get IT? you’re seriously nuts..and BTW, blame the writers not the cast..

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    • niki

      jeeez, talk about over analyzing….why not try enjoying the movie for it’s beauty and n superb cast, you need a shrink lady……

    • prettygirlww


    • juvyrocks

      you are a writter here and you don’t know what you’re writting about.what a shame go back to school and widen your knowledge,you sucks big time.

      • Angee

        Wow, for someone who is criticizing a writer I would hope you’d actually know how to spell ‘writer’. You should also consider using punctuation marks instead of a run-on sentence.

    • juvyrocks

      you are a writter here and you don’t know what you’re writting about.what a shame go back to school and widen your knowledge,you sucks big time.

    • alm

      i love your blog, but seriously, if you’re going to put something so spoiler-y IN THE HEADLINE (where you can’t even avoid it by not reading the article), please wait at least a couple of weeks after the movie comes out to post it. you guys have a nasty habit of doing this.

      • Jenni Maier

        Sorry! I assumed everyone knew the basic plot of Snow White. We’ll do a better job in the future. Promise!

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    • Naomi

      Looks like someone’s running out of article topics… People don’t go to movies like this for their relevance to third-wave feminism.

    • Kelsey

      Not sure why everyone’s hating on over-analyzing…it’s the only way everyday life is interesting

    • elke

      Thanks for letting me know the ending! Pretty cool.

      • Kim

        I know! There could at least have been a spoiler alert!

    • Kara

      OMG!. Another KStew hater.

    • Jojo

      jenni – do you know you’re a lousy reporter? keep going what you’re doing and you will be only be stuck up as a gossiper. To be honest not worth of reading. You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are judging Kristen’s role? Di you really go & SWATH just to criticize her? Grow up!!! Better, stop what you’re doing because you are not good at it.

      • Jenni Maier

        For many years I suspected that I was a lousy reporter. But not until today, when I read this comment, did I know for sure. Thanks for your constructive criticism. I look forward to the upcoming job hunt!

    • TheEvilQueen

      Fuck all these people! The evil queen rules! I loved your article and Snow White should have died. I think they could have found someone prettier than Kirsten. After all snow is supposed to fairer than the Queen, and she comes nowhere close to Charlize. But she played the part well, as Snow White is lame and boring.